Scene 9: The Pomme du Pup
The headwaiter of the Pomme du Pup is outside the restaurant taking in the evening air when he notices a cloud of dust on the horizon. He squints his eyes and then starts to panic
Waiter: (panicking) Oh, Mon Dieu! Not him again! (And rushes inside slamming the door behind him)
(“MONSIEUR ATHOS” comes from inside the restaurant as Aramis whoas his horse, closely followed by Athos)
Aramis: (smiling) Looks like you’ll have to pay, Athos. You’re the last one here!
Athos: (pointing behind him) I beg to differ, Aramis
(The carriage with Porthos, D’Artagnan and the Doctor in arrives and the occupants disembark in the order that they got in so that when the Doctor gets out, the Musketeers all point at him)
Musketeers: (in a sing song way) You’re paying the bill! You’re paying the bill! (And they enter the restaurant)
Doctor: (with his hands in his pockets) Now, 1625, euros are no good, and francs won’t help either. Oh, where are those Louis? (He takes a number of coins out of his pocket and smiles) A hundred! That should cover Athos! (And he strides into the restaurant)
(The Musketeers are already seated but have left the head of the table for the Doctor. As he sits down the waiter arrives)
Waiter: (half smiling and half nervous) May I (gulp) take your orders, please?
Athos: The best dish that you have, Pierre! (And he winks)
Waiter: (laughing nervously) Ah, the speciality of the house then!
D’Artagnan: And that is?
Waiter: Something that you can only eat at the Pomme du Pup, Monsieur!
D’Artagnan: Sounds interesting!
Waiter: (writing down the order) That’s 25 dishes of the day for Monsieur Athos (Athos laughs), and 4 dishes of the day for the rest of you gentlemen. May I recommend also the house pate?
Doctor: Why not? (He dumps the coins on the table)
Waiter: And what would the Cavaliers like to drink?
Porthos: A Chateaux de Ayres!
Doctor: I’m impressed, Porthos! I didn’t have you as a wine connoisseur!
Aramis: I would like a red wine perhaps an Antomilido!
Doctor: Er, Aramis, that’s a Spanish wine you know!
Aramis: When it comes to wine, Doctor, I don’t discriminate!
Athos: Neither do I, just bring it in the biggest container that you’ve got (and he laughs)
D’Artagnan: I’ll have a glass of fresh milk from the Pyrenees, Monsieur
Doctor: I’ll have mine in a cup of tea, if you don’t mind!
(The waiter looks at D’Artagnan and the Doctor)
D’Artagnan: You don’t have milk from the Pyrenees then?
Waiter: I’ll see what I can do, Monsieur!
Doctor: If that’s not possible, I’ll have some squashed oranges then!
(The waiter scratches his head and makes his way to the kitchen)
Waiter: (shouts into kitchen) Hey, Louis, I hope you are well stocked (and he goes into the kitchen and comes back a few moments later with several plates of food which the Doctor and Musketeers tuck into)
(Outside the restaurant, Widimir is marching a group of guardsmen down the road)
Widimir: (grumbling) I’ll show that Rochefort who’s the best Captain around here. I’ll lay siege to Musketeer HQ if need be. I’ll find that Doctor! (He then spots the horses outside the restaurant) That’s Treville’s carriage (he starts to think) and where there is Treville there are Musketeers and where there are Musketeers there’s a Doctor! (He points at the restaurant and the guardsmen quickly surround it. He walks towards the door and pushes them open with his boots. As he sees the Doctor, a smile crosses his face) Listen, Doctor, I have to ask you a few questions
Doctor: Yikes! (And he dives under the table)
Widimir: I know that you are in here! You have to come with me and answer a few questions!
(The Musketeers carry on eating their food and pass comments. The Doctor peers over the edge in disbelief)
Widimir: Doctor, didn’t you hear me?
(The Doctor starts to stand up, but his attention is caught by a grunt from Porthos who winks. The Doctor realises that a plan is forming and sits down and continues to eat his meal. Widimir loses his patience and sends the guardsmen into the restaurant)
Doctor: (to Aramis) I must say this pate is excellent! Where did you say it came from?
(Widimir grunts and draws his sword, much to Porthos’s surprise)
Porthos: (gasps) I don’t believe it, Widimir has unsheathed his sword!
Athos: You must be mistaken Porthos, Widimir only uses a pistol!
Aramis: Perhaps he’s been practising the art of fencing?
(The guardsmen start to advance on the Musketeers)
Widimir: (shouting) Are you hard of hearing, Doctor? I said that you’re coming with us!
(Under their breath, the Musketeers mutter “One for all and all for one”. The Doctor lifts his plate and puts it on his lap and carries on eating. Porthos cracks his knuckles and then suddenly dives underneath the table. The Doctor stands up and puts the plate on the table)
Doctor: Yes, Captain? Did you say something?
Widimir: (fit to burst) I said that you are coming with us, Doctor!
Doctor: (dabbing his lips with a handkerchief) Did you? Oh, I am dreadfully sorry, I didn’t hear you. I fear, however, that Monsieur Porthos has something to say on the subject!
(With a grunt, Porthos lifts the table over his head and growls)
Doctor: Could you be so kind as to tell the Captain what I think of his request, Porthos?
(Porthos throws the table at the guardsmen who scatter. The Musketeers draw their swords and start to battle the guardsmen. The Doctor uses this to cover his escape up the stairs and dives into the toilets. He catches his breath and nibbles on a bit of food. He notices an open window and looks down)
Doctor: (with a smile on his face) Well, if I can use a fire hose to abseil down the side of a building, then why not a column!
(The Doctor climbs out of the window and gently climbs down the column landing on the ground on both feet. The sound of fighting can still be heard from inside the restaurant)
Doctor: Now, how do I help the Musketeers?
(As he speaks and unseen by the Doctor, Rochefort walks up behind him and cocks a gun prodding him in the back)
Rochefort: A more pertinent question would be who helps you, Monsieur? (As he prepares to fire the gun)
Monday, 22 June 2009
Scene 9 (Post Cliffhanger)
(The guardsmen start to advance on the Musketeers)
Widimir: (shouting) Are you hard of hearing, Doctor? I said that you’re coming with us!
(Under their breath, the Musketeers mutter “One for all and all for one”. The Doctor lifts his plate and puts it on his lap and carries on eating. Porthos cracks his knuckles and then suddenly dives underneath the table. The Doctor stands up and puts the plate on the table)
Doctor: Yes, Captain? Did you say something?
Widimir: (fit to burst) I said that you are coming with us, Doctor!
Doctor: (dabbing his lips with a handkerchief) Did you? Oh, I am dreadfully sorry, I didn’t hear you. I fear, however, that Monsieur Porthos has something to say on the subject!
(With a grunt, Porthos lifts the table over his head and growls)
Doctor: Could you be so kind as to tell the Captain what I think of his request, Porthos?
(Porthos throws the table at the guardsmen who scatter. The Musketeers draw their swords and start to battle the guardsmen. The Doctor uses this to cover his escape up the stairs and dives into the toilets. He catches his breath and nibbles on a bit of food. He notices an open window and looks down)
Doctor: (with a smile on his face) Well, if I can use a fire hose to abseil down the side of a building, then why not a column!
(The Doctor climbs out of the window and gently climbs down the column landing on the ground on both feet. The sound of fighting can still be heard from inside the restaurant)
Doctor: Now, how do I help the Musketeers?
(As he speaks and unseen by the Doctor, Rochefort walks up behind him and cocks a gun prodding him in the back)
Rochefort: A more pertinent question would be who helps you, Monsieur? (As he prepares to fire the gun)
Doctor: (putting his hands up in the air) No-one?
Rochefort: (lowering the gun) A very sensible answer, now move! (And he prods the Doctor in the back with the gun)
Doctor: (sighing as he’s marched to the front of the restaurant) Why is it that every time I come to Paris, someone sticks a gun in my back?
Rochefort: Halt!
(The Doctor stops in front of the restaurant inside of which fighting can still be heard)
Rochefort: Then allow me to make a change for you. (He moves in front of the Doctor and aims the gun at his head). You know, I really ought to thank that idiot Widimir. I thought he might try something stupid and I was spot on. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to kill you!
Doctor: (hearing that the sounds in the restaurant are getting louder) May I be permitted to address you with my last words?
Rochefort: (yawning) If you must!
Doctor: (shifts his position) It is a far, far, better thing that I do than I have ever done. It is a far, far better rest that I go to that I have ever known! It is a far, far better…
(Just then the door to the restaurant explodes outwards as Porthos throws Widimir through it)
Doctor: (ducks) DUCK!
(Rochefort realises too late what is happening and Widimir collides with him sending the two men sprawling on the ground. The gun fires and ricochets off a nearby sign)
Rochefort: (heaving Widimir off him) Curse you, Widimir! Just wait till the Cardinal hears about this! (He runs towards a nearby horse, mounts it and gees the horse with Widimir in hot pursuit)
(The Musketeers watch the events from the restaurant, look at each other and then laugh their heads off. The Doctor stands up and brushes himself down)
Doctor: (to himself) This is very odd. Why would Rochefort want to kill me? And what is even more interesting is why would the Cardinal be so interested in me and not the Musketeers? There’s something odd going on here and it’s not just political!
(The Doctor addresses the Musketeers)
Doctor: Gentlemen, I suggest that we return to Musketeer Headquarters!
Athos: (shocked) What? When there are still 17 courses left to have?
Doctor: (licking his lips) Oh, well if you put it that way!
(The owner stands in their way)
Owner: (coughs harshly) And what about my door, Monsieur?
Doctor: Nothing Monsieur Porthos and an old friend of mine can’t fix! (And he takes out the sonic screwdriver)
Widimir: (shouting) Are you hard of hearing, Doctor? I said that you’re coming with us!
(Under their breath, the Musketeers mutter “One for all and all for one”. The Doctor lifts his plate and puts it on his lap and carries on eating. Porthos cracks his knuckles and then suddenly dives underneath the table. The Doctor stands up and puts the plate on the table)
Doctor: Yes, Captain? Did you say something?
Widimir: (fit to burst) I said that you are coming with us, Doctor!
Doctor: (dabbing his lips with a handkerchief) Did you? Oh, I am dreadfully sorry, I didn’t hear you. I fear, however, that Monsieur Porthos has something to say on the subject!
(With a grunt, Porthos lifts the table over his head and growls)
Doctor: Could you be so kind as to tell the Captain what I think of his request, Porthos?
(Porthos throws the table at the guardsmen who scatter. The Musketeers draw their swords and start to battle the guardsmen. The Doctor uses this to cover his escape up the stairs and dives into the toilets. He catches his breath and nibbles on a bit of food. He notices an open window and looks down)
Doctor: (with a smile on his face) Well, if I can use a fire hose to abseil down the side of a building, then why not a column!
(The Doctor climbs out of the window and gently climbs down the column landing on the ground on both feet. The sound of fighting can still be heard from inside the restaurant)
Doctor: Now, how do I help the Musketeers?
(As he speaks and unseen by the Doctor, Rochefort walks up behind him and cocks a gun prodding him in the back)
Rochefort: A more pertinent question would be who helps you, Monsieur? (As he prepares to fire the gun)
Doctor: (putting his hands up in the air) No-one?
Rochefort: (lowering the gun) A very sensible answer, now move! (And he prods the Doctor in the back with the gun)
Doctor: (sighing as he’s marched to the front of the restaurant) Why is it that every time I come to Paris, someone sticks a gun in my back?
Rochefort: Halt!
(The Doctor stops in front of the restaurant inside of which fighting can still be heard)
Rochefort: Then allow me to make a change for you. (He moves in front of the Doctor and aims the gun at his head). You know, I really ought to thank that idiot Widimir. I thought he might try something stupid and I was spot on. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to kill you!
Doctor: (hearing that the sounds in the restaurant are getting louder) May I be permitted to address you with my last words?
Rochefort: (yawning) If you must!
Doctor: (shifts his position) It is a far, far, better thing that I do than I have ever done. It is a far, far better rest that I go to that I have ever known! It is a far, far better…
(Just then the door to the restaurant explodes outwards as Porthos throws Widimir through it)
Doctor: (ducks) DUCK!
(Rochefort realises too late what is happening and Widimir collides with him sending the two men sprawling on the ground. The gun fires and ricochets off a nearby sign)
Rochefort: (heaving Widimir off him) Curse you, Widimir! Just wait till the Cardinal hears about this! (He runs towards a nearby horse, mounts it and gees the horse with Widimir in hot pursuit)
(The Musketeers watch the events from the restaurant, look at each other and then laugh their heads off. The Doctor stands up and brushes himself down)
Doctor: (to himself) This is very odd. Why would Rochefort want to kill me? And what is even more interesting is why would the Cardinal be so interested in me and not the Musketeers? There’s something odd going on here and it’s not just political!
(The Doctor addresses the Musketeers)
Doctor: Gentlemen, I suggest that we return to Musketeer Headquarters!
Athos: (shocked) What? When there are still 17 courses left to have?
Doctor: (licking his lips) Oh, well if you put it that way!
(The owner stands in their way)
Owner: (coughs harshly) And what about my door, Monsieur?
Doctor: Nothing Monsieur Porthos and an old friend of mine can’t fix! (And he takes out the sonic screwdriver)
Scene 10
Scene 10: Cardinal Richelieu’s Quarters
Widimir is in the Cardinal’s quarters but is standing there quietly with the Cardinal looking at him intently)
Richelieu: You are the lowest of the low, Widimir! You are a complete and utter imbecile! What are you?
Widimir: (in a monotone) I am the lowest of the low and a complete and utter imbecile!
(Richelieu leans back and Widimir shakes his head)
Widimir: (on the verge of breaking down) I do not deserve such treatment, Eminence! I am your slave!
Richelieu: (under his breath) Slave? You? (And then starts to laugh) Get out of my sight, Widimir, lock yourself in your house and I never want to see you again!
(Widimir admits defeats, bows and leave the chambers)
Richelieu: (shouting as Rochefort opens the doors) I’m surrounded by imbeciles!
(The words echo through the room as Rochefort coughs politely)
Richelieu: (quickly changing tack) I don’t mean you, of course!
Rochefort: (approaching the Cardinal) I feel that you should Eminence. My plan to capture the Doctor failed.
Richelieu: Yes, I have heard the sorry tale now. But I shouldn’t worry, my dear Count, I’ve another plan up my sleeve.
Rochefort: Oh?
Richelieu: I want you to go to Musketeer Headquarters and find out (and starts whispering)
(Outside the door, Widimir is listening intently. He opens his eyes in amazement at what is being discussed and slowly backs away from the door, walks slowly down the corridor before breaking into a sprint, which develops into a run as he dashes out of the Cardinal’s building. He mounts a horse and rides off)
Widimir is in the Cardinal’s quarters but is standing there quietly with the Cardinal looking at him intently)
Richelieu: You are the lowest of the low, Widimir! You are a complete and utter imbecile! What are you?
Widimir: (in a monotone) I am the lowest of the low and a complete and utter imbecile!
(Richelieu leans back and Widimir shakes his head)
Widimir: (on the verge of breaking down) I do not deserve such treatment, Eminence! I am your slave!
Richelieu: (under his breath) Slave? You? (And then starts to laugh) Get out of my sight, Widimir, lock yourself in your house and I never want to see you again!
(Widimir admits defeats, bows and leave the chambers)
Richelieu: (shouting as Rochefort opens the doors) I’m surrounded by imbeciles!
(The words echo through the room as Rochefort coughs politely)
Richelieu: (quickly changing tack) I don’t mean you, of course!
Rochefort: (approaching the Cardinal) I feel that you should Eminence. My plan to capture the Doctor failed.
Richelieu: Yes, I have heard the sorry tale now. But I shouldn’t worry, my dear Count, I’ve another plan up my sleeve.
Rochefort: Oh?
Richelieu: I want you to go to Musketeer Headquarters and find out (and starts whispering)
(Outside the door, Widimir is listening intently. He opens his eyes in amazement at what is being discussed and slowly backs away from the door, walks slowly down the corridor before breaking into a sprint, which develops into a run as he dashes out of the Cardinal’s building. He mounts a horse and rides off)
Scene 11
Scene 11: TARDIS console room
The Doctor enters the console room from the interior of the TARDIS. He presses a few buttons and a screen appears on the console. It flashes up “TARDIS HISTORY DATABASE” and then changes to “Please enter year”.
Doctor: We’re in 1625 so that’s a good place to start. (He enters 1625 on the keypad)
(The screen flashes “Searching”)
Doctor: Goodness, you’re slow today aren’t you? Perhaps I need to give you a tweak, eh old girl?
(There is a knocking sound)
Doctor: I was right, just listen to those engines (then he realises that the console is stationary) Hang on, that’s not the engines. (He flips a switch and the viewing screen switches on as the knocking happens again)
(The viewing screen reveals Treville knocking on the TARDIS)
Doctor: (singing as he operates the doors) Knock three times on the TARDIS if you want me… (And exits)
(Outside, Treville is knocking on the TARDIS and wondering what people will think when the doors open and the Doctor pops out still singing)
Doctor: …twice on the hat (taps Treville’s hat twice) means that you’re no longer there!
Treville: Yes, I am Doctor!
Doctor: I do apologise Captain, a song I heard once and I’ve been unable to get it out of my head. How can I help you?
Treville: There’s someone here to see you, Doctor!
Doctor: (intrigued) Oh? And who’s that, then?
(Treville side steps and reveals Paul, who waves)
Doctor: Paul! How are you?
Paul: (annoyed) Now what sort of a question is that, Doctor?
Doctor: Sorry, force of habit! (Turning to Treville) So what’s the prognosis then, Captain?
Treville: Very good, Doctor. Our doctors would love to know what you did to your companion, but what ever it was it’s saved his life. He’s well on the road to recovery!
Doctor: (blushing) Oh, really, it was nothing!
Paul: Tell him, Captain, go on!
Treville: He’s also going to be an honorary Musketeer as well!
Doctor: (impressed) An honorary Musketeer, eh? Who’s been a busy little assistant then?
(Paul giggles)
Doctor: I presume that the King had something to do with this?
Treville: Indeed he did. He said it was to be a reward for saving Athos.
Doctor: Would you mind if I thanked His Majesty later?
Treville: I can’t see any reason why not. (A church bell chimes the hour) Now, if you will excuse us, young Paul here has a lesson in swordplay to attend.
Doctor: Of course! (Remembers) Oh, before you go Captain, can I ask when Richelieu was appointed Prime Minister?
Treville: Last September if I remember, correctly. (Ponders) But why on earth do you want to know that?
Doctor: Just checking (and he pops back into the TARDIS)
Treville: Paul, how long have you known the Doctor?
Paul: (thinks) Oh, seventeen hundred years or so.
(Treville looks at Paul in sheer disbelief, shakes his head)
Paul: Come on, Paul, otherwise we’ll be late. (And he leads Paul towards Musketeer Headquarters shaking his head)
(Back inside the TARDIS, the Doctor closes the doors)
Doctor: Right then, let’s see if you’re feeling any better. (He types in as he speaks) September 1st 1624 and cross-reference with election.
(The screen flashes “Searching…” very slowly indeed)
Doctor: Oh, come on, old girl! (And he kicks the console)
(The central column lights up and the flashing speeds up)
Doctor: That’s better!
(The display stops and the viewing screen is activated showing the Cardinal. The Doctor looks at it and gasps. He types in as he speaks)
Doctor: Oh, by Rassilon. I’m hope I’m wrong!
(The picture splits into two and is replaced on the right by a picture of the Master).
Doctor: The Master!
The Doctor enters the console room from the interior of the TARDIS. He presses a few buttons and a screen appears on the console. It flashes up “TARDIS HISTORY DATABASE” and then changes to “Please enter year”.
Doctor: We’re in 1625 so that’s a good place to start. (He enters 1625 on the keypad)
(The screen flashes “Searching”)
Doctor: Goodness, you’re slow today aren’t you? Perhaps I need to give you a tweak, eh old girl?
(There is a knocking sound)
Doctor: I was right, just listen to those engines (then he realises that the console is stationary) Hang on, that’s not the engines. (He flips a switch and the viewing screen switches on as the knocking happens again)
(The viewing screen reveals Treville knocking on the TARDIS)
Doctor: (singing as he operates the doors) Knock three times on the TARDIS if you want me… (And exits)
(Outside, Treville is knocking on the TARDIS and wondering what people will think when the doors open and the Doctor pops out still singing)
Doctor: …twice on the hat (taps Treville’s hat twice) means that you’re no longer there!
Treville: Yes, I am Doctor!
Doctor: I do apologise Captain, a song I heard once and I’ve been unable to get it out of my head. How can I help you?
Treville: There’s someone here to see you, Doctor!
Doctor: (intrigued) Oh? And who’s that, then?
(Treville side steps and reveals Paul, who waves)
Doctor: Paul! How are you?
Paul: (annoyed) Now what sort of a question is that, Doctor?
Doctor: Sorry, force of habit! (Turning to Treville) So what’s the prognosis then, Captain?
Treville: Very good, Doctor. Our doctors would love to know what you did to your companion, but what ever it was it’s saved his life. He’s well on the road to recovery!
Doctor: (blushing) Oh, really, it was nothing!
Paul: Tell him, Captain, go on!
Treville: He’s also going to be an honorary Musketeer as well!
Doctor: (impressed) An honorary Musketeer, eh? Who’s been a busy little assistant then?
(Paul giggles)
Doctor: I presume that the King had something to do with this?
Treville: Indeed he did. He said it was to be a reward for saving Athos.
Doctor: Would you mind if I thanked His Majesty later?
Treville: I can’t see any reason why not. (A church bell chimes the hour) Now, if you will excuse us, young Paul here has a lesson in swordplay to attend.
Doctor: Of course! (Remembers) Oh, before you go Captain, can I ask when Richelieu was appointed Prime Minister?
Treville: Last September if I remember, correctly. (Ponders) But why on earth do you want to know that?
Doctor: Just checking (and he pops back into the TARDIS)
Treville: Paul, how long have you known the Doctor?
Paul: (thinks) Oh, seventeen hundred years or so.
(Treville looks at Paul in sheer disbelief, shakes his head)
Paul: Come on, Paul, otherwise we’ll be late. (And he leads Paul towards Musketeer Headquarters shaking his head)
(Back inside the TARDIS, the Doctor closes the doors)
Doctor: Right then, let’s see if you’re feeling any better. (He types in as he speaks) September 1st 1624 and cross-reference with election.
(The screen flashes “Searching…” very slowly indeed)
Doctor: Oh, come on, old girl! (And he kicks the console)
(The central column lights up and the flashing speeds up)
Doctor: That’s better!
(The display stops and the viewing screen is activated showing the Cardinal. The Doctor looks at it and gasps. He types in as he speaks)
Doctor: Oh, by Rassilon. I’m hope I’m wrong!
(The picture splits into two and is replaced on the right by a picture of the Master).
Doctor: The Master!
Scene 12
Scene 12: Treville’s quarters
Treville is busy working through a pile of paperwork
Treville: Who would think that 700 people would generate so much paper?
(There is a knock at the door)
Treville: Entrez!
(There is another knock at the door)
Treville: (starting to get annoyed) Entrez!
(There is yet another knock at the door)
Treville: (getting up and shouting) If that’s you D’Artagnan, I’ll dock you a week’s wages!
(Treville opens the door and is greeted by a pile of paperwork which moves forward and gets dumped on his desk revealing the Doctor who mops his brow)
Doctor: Phew! I don’t know how on Gallifrey one simple request can generate a ton of paper!
Treville: (looking at concern with the paperwork that has landed on his desk) I presume that this paperwork is of some importance?
Doctor: It is indeed! (He starts unrolling a map) especially as I believe that the Cardinal isn’t the Cardinal at all!
Treville: (shocked) The Cardinal…
Doctor: isn’t the Cardinal, that’s right! Do you remember what happened when the Cardinal was appointed Prime Minister?
Treville: Well, there was nothing special about the day, just the usual storm that you get in September.
Doctor: Storm?
Treville: Yes, we often get them in September. I remember that it thundered for ages and ages and there was a point where we wondered if we should cancel it due to the weather. The only strange thing is, it never rained, just thundered!
Doctor: (pondering) Mmm, it’s just as I feared. I… (And he looks up)
Treville: (still looking at the mass of paperwork) Yes, Doctor, you were saying?
Doctor: Er, Captain, what’s he doing here? (And points in front of him)
Treville: Who? (He follows the Doctor’s finger and looks up) Captain Widimir!
Widimir: (aiming a gun at Treville) You must die! (And he fires the gun)
Doctor: (pushing Treville to the ground) Get down!
(The Doctor pushes Treville to the ground as the bullet passes his shoulder. It shatters the window behind them. The Doctor and Treville turn round just in time to see Rochefort clutching his chest and then falling to the ground from a ladder. The Doctor and Treville open the window and peer down to the ground where several Musketeers have gathered)
Doctor: (turning to Treville) He must have been spying on us!
Widimir: Indeed he was!
(The Doctor and Treville turn to face Widimir who places the gun on the desk and then calmly sits down on the floor and prostrates himself in front of the desk)
Widimir: (crying) I want to work for you, I’ll work for anyone, and I’ll work for peanuts! (And starts bawling)
(The Doctor looks at Treville, who looks at Widimir who then looks back at the Doctor)
Treville: (and the Doctor together) Triste!
Treville is busy working through a pile of paperwork
Treville: Who would think that 700 people would generate so much paper?
(There is a knock at the door)
Treville: Entrez!
(There is another knock at the door)
Treville: (starting to get annoyed) Entrez!
(There is yet another knock at the door)
Treville: (getting up and shouting) If that’s you D’Artagnan, I’ll dock you a week’s wages!
(Treville opens the door and is greeted by a pile of paperwork which moves forward and gets dumped on his desk revealing the Doctor who mops his brow)
Doctor: Phew! I don’t know how on Gallifrey one simple request can generate a ton of paper!
Treville: (looking at concern with the paperwork that has landed on his desk) I presume that this paperwork is of some importance?
Doctor: It is indeed! (He starts unrolling a map) especially as I believe that the Cardinal isn’t the Cardinal at all!
Treville: (shocked) The Cardinal…
Doctor: isn’t the Cardinal, that’s right! Do you remember what happened when the Cardinal was appointed Prime Minister?
Treville: Well, there was nothing special about the day, just the usual storm that you get in September.
Doctor: Storm?
Treville: Yes, we often get them in September. I remember that it thundered for ages and ages and there was a point where we wondered if we should cancel it due to the weather. The only strange thing is, it never rained, just thundered!
Doctor: (pondering) Mmm, it’s just as I feared. I… (And he looks up)
Treville: (still looking at the mass of paperwork) Yes, Doctor, you were saying?
Doctor: Er, Captain, what’s he doing here? (And points in front of him)
Treville: Who? (He follows the Doctor’s finger and looks up) Captain Widimir!
Widimir: (aiming a gun at Treville) You must die! (And he fires the gun)
Doctor: (pushing Treville to the ground) Get down!
(The Doctor pushes Treville to the ground as the bullet passes his shoulder. It shatters the window behind them. The Doctor and Treville turn round just in time to see Rochefort clutching his chest and then falling to the ground from a ladder. The Doctor and Treville open the window and peer down to the ground where several Musketeers have gathered)
Doctor: (turning to Treville) He must have been spying on us!
Widimir: Indeed he was!
(The Doctor and Treville turn to face Widimir who places the gun on the desk and then calmly sits down on the floor and prostrates himself in front of the desk)
Widimir: (crying) I want to work for you, I’ll work for anyone, and I’ll work for peanuts! (And starts bawling)
(The Doctor looks at Treville, who looks at Widimir who then looks back at the Doctor)
Treville: (and the Doctor together) Triste!
Scene 13
Scene 13: Treville’s quarters
(The Doctor is circling Widimir who is being guarded by Treville)
Doctor: So, let’s see if I understand this correctly Widimir. You are trying to convince us that the Cardinal has sacked you.
Widimir: Oui, Monsieur
Doctor: and had replaced you with the Count Rochefort, who you shot a few moments ago
Widimir: Oui, Monsieur
Doctor: and has since last September been acting almost like another person?
Widimir: Oui, Monsieur
Doctor: (stops pacing) Mmm. (turns to Treville) He’s either a very good liar or he’s telling the truth.
Treville: How do we know which it is?
Doctor: (smiling) I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to do this old trick for ages! I wonder if I can remember how?
(The Doctor takes a pair of glasses out and puts them on. He sits down cross legged on the floor and looks directly at Widimir)
Doctor: (insistently) You are Captain Widimir of the Cardinal’s Guards. I am the Doctor. You will answer me instantly and truthfully. Has everything you said since you entered this office been the truth?
Widimir: (blankly) Yes, Doctor
Doctor: Good, I was hoping you’d say that.
(He jumps up and puts the glasses back in his pocket)
Doctor: Well, you heard him, Treville. He was telling the truth.
(As Widimir comes round, Treville sits down behind his desk)
Treville: But this makes no sense at all, Doctor. Why would the Cardinal suddenly change tack?
Widimir: (suddenly) I remember!
(The Doctor and Treville are startled)
Doctor: Remember what?
Widimir: The day after the Cardinal was ordained as Prime Minister, he asked me to attend his office. When I got there I saw a man dressed in black with a flowing cloak. He looked at me sternly for several minutes and then gave me my orders for the day.
Doctor: And did you see that man ever again?
Widimir: No, every time I went into the Cardinal’s office, I saw Cardinal Richelieu.
Doctor: (shouts) Bingo! (Shakes Widimir by the hand) Captain, you have just solved a mystery that has been bugging me for the last decade relative time.
Widimir: (confused) I have?
Doctor: (ignoring Widimir) Treville, do you have a detachment of Musketeers on immediate standby?
Treville: Well, there’s Athos, Aramis and Porthos and I suppose I could find a few more.
Doctor: Marvellous (turns to Widimir) How do you fancy getting your old job back?
(Widimir nods)
Doctor: All we need now is someone who he’s never seen before. (Smiles) Someone like Paul!
(The Doctor is circling Widimir who is being guarded by Treville)
Doctor: So, let’s see if I understand this correctly Widimir. You are trying to convince us that the Cardinal has sacked you.
Widimir: Oui, Monsieur
Doctor: and had replaced you with the Count Rochefort, who you shot a few moments ago
Widimir: Oui, Monsieur
Doctor: and has since last September been acting almost like another person?
Widimir: Oui, Monsieur
Doctor: (stops pacing) Mmm. (turns to Treville) He’s either a very good liar or he’s telling the truth.
Treville: How do we know which it is?
Doctor: (smiling) I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to do this old trick for ages! I wonder if I can remember how?
(The Doctor takes a pair of glasses out and puts them on. He sits down cross legged on the floor and looks directly at Widimir)
Doctor: (insistently) You are Captain Widimir of the Cardinal’s Guards. I am the Doctor. You will answer me instantly and truthfully. Has everything you said since you entered this office been the truth?
Widimir: (blankly) Yes, Doctor
Doctor: Good, I was hoping you’d say that.
(He jumps up and puts the glasses back in his pocket)
Doctor: Well, you heard him, Treville. He was telling the truth.
(As Widimir comes round, Treville sits down behind his desk)
Treville: But this makes no sense at all, Doctor. Why would the Cardinal suddenly change tack?
Widimir: (suddenly) I remember!
(The Doctor and Treville are startled)
Doctor: Remember what?
Widimir: The day after the Cardinal was ordained as Prime Minister, he asked me to attend his office. When I got there I saw a man dressed in black with a flowing cloak. He looked at me sternly for several minutes and then gave me my orders for the day.
Doctor: And did you see that man ever again?
Widimir: No, every time I went into the Cardinal’s office, I saw Cardinal Richelieu.
Doctor: (shouts) Bingo! (Shakes Widimir by the hand) Captain, you have just solved a mystery that has been bugging me for the last decade relative time.
Widimir: (confused) I have?
Doctor: (ignoring Widimir) Treville, do you have a detachment of Musketeers on immediate standby?
Treville: Well, there’s Athos, Aramis and Porthos and I suppose I could find a few more.
Doctor: Marvellous (turns to Widimir) How do you fancy getting your old job back?
(Widimir nods)
Doctor: All we need now is someone who he’s never seen before. (Smiles) Someone like Paul!
Scene 14
Scene 14: Training Barracks
(Athos and Aramis are standing outside a huge set of doors and idly chatting to each other)
Athos: (gesturing) And so I said to him, “To quote the Romans, your pilum may be harder than my sternum, but this sword can easily rip you to shreds!”
Aramis: (laughing) I presume he got the “point” then?
Athos: Indeed he did, Aramis. Never saw him again. Ah, Monsieur Rocks, how are you this fine morn?
(Paul enters the shot wearing a Musketeer’s outfit)
Paul: I feel marvellous and take a look at these togs. (He spins round showing off his outfit)
Athos: A Musketeer in the making, Aramis, no?
Aramis: A Musketeer indeed. All you have to do now is to beat that person in there (points to doors) and you will be a qualified Musketeer.
(Paul makes for the doors but is stopped by)
Aramis: Although what he suggested about your mother was most uncalled for.
(Paul stops)
Paul: What did he say about my mother?
Aramis: I can’t rightly remember but I think he suggested that you were born out of wedlock. Can you remember what he said Athos?
Athos: What are you on about Aramis, there’s (Aramis elbows him and winks) Oh yes, I remember. Yes, after Aramis and myself told him about you he remarked and I quote “The bastard doesn’t stand a chance!” before hitting us both in the stomach and walking in there as if he owned the place.
Paul: (gulps) Big is he?
Aramis: Bigger than Porthos!
Paul: (starts to back away) You know, I don’t think I’m really cut out for this Musketeer lark (and turns to leave)
Athos: Does the term “chicken hearted” mean anything to you?
(Paul turns round clearly angry)
Paul: (on the verge of shouting) He called me “chicken hearted”?
(Aramis and Athos nod)
(Paul grabs the door handles and opens the doors)
Paul: (shouts) NO ONE CALLS ME A CHICKEN! GOT THAT? (As the doors close)
Athos: (rubbing where Aramis elbowed him) What was that for?
Aramis: I just felt that he needed a little encouragement and nothing works better than a good sense of personal revenge. And speaking of revenge…
(Porthos saunters up and bows)
Porthos: Good morrow gentlemen, is the candidate ready to get beaten?
Aramis: Well, he’s in there if that’s what you mean but I don’t think he’s going to be an easy one.
Porthos: Oh? What makes you say that?
Aramis: Well, he seemed to indicate that he thought you were all brawn and no brains, not to mention that he thought that you were very fat and had no real strength at all.
Porthos: (annoyed) He said what?
Athos: He never (Aramis elbows him again) Ow!
Porthos: Are you all right, Athos?
Aramis: Just a slight twinge from that feast at the Pomme du Pup.
Porthos: (opening the doors) I have told you before Athos, eating gets you nowhere but an early grave (shouts) THIS IS ALL MUSCLE STRANGER (and the doors close)
Athos: (looking at Aramis angrily) I thought that you wanted to be a priest. Priests don’t tell lies. That’s two lies you’ve told in less than ten minutes.
Aramis: (kneeling) I know (prays) Dear Lord and Father of Mankind forgive my foolish ways. Reclothe me in your rightful mind, in purer lives thy service finds, in deeper reverence praise, for thou art the Kingdom, the Power and the Glory. Amen!
(As Aramis is praying, the Doctor wanders up)
Doctor: Is this a private prayer session or can anyone join in if they want??
Athos: Aramis is just seeking penance for having lied. Twice.
Doctor: Ah, oh by the way, have either of you seen Paul at all, you know the person I arrived with a few days ago, prevented Athos here from being shot. I was told that he’d be in the barracks but then someone said he was seen heading this way.
(Sounds of sword fighting can be heard from behind the doors)
Doctor: Goodness, they’re going at it hammer and tongs aren’t they? What’s happening there then?
Athos: Porthos is testing a candidate to see if he’s suitable enough to be a Musketeer.
Doctor: Oh? The final stage of assessment eh?
Aramis: The final stage ever. Many candidates have withdrawn after losing to Porthos.
Doctor: I can well imagine, so who’s the unlucky fellow this time?
Aramis and Athos: Paul!
Doctor: Oh, I know a (pause) PAUL? (Angry) You let Paul tackle Porthos? But he’s only got a limited knowledge of swordplay. I know Paul is pretty strong for his age but Porthos is the strongest man in this time period. I’m do apologise, gentlemen, but I have to put a stop to this.
(The Doctor advances to the door but Aramis and Athos pull their swords on the Doctor)
Athos: No one may enter during an examination. Those are the rules
(The Doctor starts pacing up and down)
Doctor: Why do my assistants do this to me? First I leave my granddaughter on 21st century Earth, then I kill Sara on Kemble by activating the Time Destructor that the Daleks made, then Adric gets killed trying to defuse a Cyber bomb, Rose has to remain in that parallel dimension because of what her father did. I sometimes wonder if it’s worth having them. I’m beginning to see why the Master travels alone.
Aramis: Master?
Doctor: My mortal enemy Aramis. And that is why I wanted to find Paul. I was hoping that he’d help me defeat the Master once and for all. It seems though that I will need to place an advert for a new assistant. The TARDIS can get mighty lonely. Now what would I need to put. Wanted, companion for ancient Time Lord. Might have a basic understanding of the complexities of temporal physics or have a willingness to learn. Must be able to ask questions, be inventive and if the applicant is a lady, scream for at least 15 seconds at a level of 115 decibels or more
(As the Doctor reels off his requirements, the sounds of fighting stop. Athos and Aramis realise this and open the doors. Paul steps out with a massive grin on his face with Porthos limping beside him)
Doctor: Please reply by universal roaming e-mail within three weeks relative time, which should get some replies worth considering. It’s a shame really. I really wanted to show Paul that being strong is okay, but sometimes it doesn’t hurt to have a little brain. After all Hercules wasn’t just a mass of muscle, oh no, he was quite bright considering.
Paul: Hercules? Bright?
(The Doctor spins round)
Doctor: Paul! You’re all right!
(The Doctor runs up starts to hug him, but Paul coughs and the Doctor shakes his hand instead)
Porthos: He is more than all right Doctor. He’s a Musketeer!
Paul: (shocked) You mean it? I’m a Musketeer?
Porthos: Verily!
Doctor: Oh good. Now, anyone fancy giving old Richelieu a helping hand?
(The Musketeers and Paul look at the Doctor in amazement)
Doctor: Don’t worry. I’ll explain on the way
(Athos and Aramis are standing outside a huge set of doors and idly chatting to each other)
Athos: (gesturing) And so I said to him, “To quote the Romans, your pilum may be harder than my sternum, but this sword can easily rip you to shreds!”
Aramis: (laughing) I presume he got the “point” then?
Athos: Indeed he did, Aramis. Never saw him again. Ah, Monsieur Rocks, how are you this fine morn?
(Paul enters the shot wearing a Musketeer’s outfit)
Paul: I feel marvellous and take a look at these togs. (He spins round showing off his outfit)
Athos: A Musketeer in the making, Aramis, no?
Aramis: A Musketeer indeed. All you have to do now is to beat that person in there (points to doors) and you will be a qualified Musketeer.
(Paul makes for the doors but is stopped by)
Aramis: Although what he suggested about your mother was most uncalled for.
(Paul stops)
Paul: What did he say about my mother?
Aramis: I can’t rightly remember but I think he suggested that you were born out of wedlock. Can you remember what he said Athos?
Athos: What are you on about Aramis, there’s (Aramis elbows him and winks) Oh yes, I remember. Yes, after Aramis and myself told him about you he remarked and I quote “The bastard doesn’t stand a chance!” before hitting us both in the stomach and walking in there as if he owned the place.
Paul: (gulps) Big is he?
Aramis: Bigger than Porthos!
Paul: (starts to back away) You know, I don’t think I’m really cut out for this Musketeer lark (and turns to leave)
Athos: Does the term “chicken hearted” mean anything to you?
(Paul turns round clearly angry)
Paul: (on the verge of shouting) He called me “chicken hearted”?
(Aramis and Athos nod)
(Paul grabs the door handles and opens the doors)
Paul: (shouts) NO ONE CALLS ME A CHICKEN! GOT THAT? (As the doors close)
Athos: (rubbing where Aramis elbowed him) What was that for?
Aramis: I just felt that he needed a little encouragement and nothing works better than a good sense of personal revenge. And speaking of revenge…
(Porthos saunters up and bows)
Porthos: Good morrow gentlemen, is the candidate ready to get beaten?
Aramis: Well, he’s in there if that’s what you mean but I don’t think he’s going to be an easy one.
Porthos: Oh? What makes you say that?
Aramis: Well, he seemed to indicate that he thought you were all brawn and no brains, not to mention that he thought that you were very fat and had no real strength at all.
Porthos: (annoyed) He said what?
Athos: He never (Aramis elbows him again) Ow!
Porthos: Are you all right, Athos?
Aramis: Just a slight twinge from that feast at the Pomme du Pup.
Porthos: (opening the doors) I have told you before Athos, eating gets you nowhere but an early grave (shouts) THIS IS ALL MUSCLE STRANGER (and the doors close)
Athos: (looking at Aramis angrily) I thought that you wanted to be a priest. Priests don’t tell lies. That’s two lies you’ve told in less than ten minutes.
Aramis: (kneeling) I know (prays) Dear Lord and Father of Mankind forgive my foolish ways. Reclothe me in your rightful mind, in purer lives thy service finds, in deeper reverence praise, for thou art the Kingdom, the Power and the Glory. Amen!
(As Aramis is praying, the Doctor wanders up)
Doctor: Is this a private prayer session or can anyone join in if they want??
Athos: Aramis is just seeking penance for having lied. Twice.
Doctor: Ah, oh by the way, have either of you seen Paul at all, you know the person I arrived with a few days ago, prevented Athos here from being shot. I was told that he’d be in the barracks but then someone said he was seen heading this way.
(Sounds of sword fighting can be heard from behind the doors)
Doctor: Goodness, they’re going at it hammer and tongs aren’t they? What’s happening there then?
Athos: Porthos is testing a candidate to see if he’s suitable enough to be a Musketeer.
Doctor: Oh? The final stage of assessment eh?
Aramis: The final stage ever. Many candidates have withdrawn after losing to Porthos.
Doctor: I can well imagine, so who’s the unlucky fellow this time?
Aramis and Athos: Paul!
Doctor: Oh, I know a (pause) PAUL? (Angry) You let Paul tackle Porthos? But he’s only got a limited knowledge of swordplay. I know Paul is pretty strong for his age but Porthos is the strongest man in this time period. I’m do apologise, gentlemen, but I have to put a stop to this.
(The Doctor advances to the door but Aramis and Athos pull their swords on the Doctor)
Athos: No one may enter during an examination. Those are the rules
(The Doctor starts pacing up and down)
Doctor: Why do my assistants do this to me? First I leave my granddaughter on 21st century Earth, then I kill Sara on Kemble by activating the Time Destructor that the Daleks made, then Adric gets killed trying to defuse a Cyber bomb, Rose has to remain in that parallel dimension because of what her father did. I sometimes wonder if it’s worth having them. I’m beginning to see why the Master travels alone.
Aramis: Master?
Doctor: My mortal enemy Aramis. And that is why I wanted to find Paul. I was hoping that he’d help me defeat the Master once and for all. It seems though that I will need to place an advert for a new assistant. The TARDIS can get mighty lonely. Now what would I need to put. Wanted, companion for ancient Time Lord. Might have a basic understanding of the complexities of temporal physics or have a willingness to learn. Must be able to ask questions, be inventive and if the applicant is a lady, scream for at least 15 seconds at a level of 115 decibels or more
(As the Doctor reels off his requirements, the sounds of fighting stop. Athos and Aramis realise this and open the doors. Paul steps out with a massive grin on his face with Porthos limping beside him)
Doctor: Please reply by universal roaming e-mail within three weeks relative time, which should get some replies worth considering. It’s a shame really. I really wanted to show Paul that being strong is okay, but sometimes it doesn’t hurt to have a little brain. After all Hercules wasn’t just a mass of muscle, oh no, he was quite bright considering.
Paul: Hercules? Bright?
(The Doctor spins round)
Doctor: Paul! You’re all right!
(The Doctor runs up starts to hug him, but Paul coughs and the Doctor shakes his hand instead)
Porthos: He is more than all right Doctor. He’s a Musketeer!
Paul: (shocked) You mean it? I’m a Musketeer?
Porthos: Verily!
Doctor: Oh good. Now, anyone fancy giving old Richelieu a helping hand?
(The Musketeers and Paul look at the Doctor in amazement)
Doctor: Don’t worry. I’ll explain on the way
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