Scene 3

Scene 3: Porthos’ Courtyard

(Porthos’s courtyard is in front of a large right-angled shaped house. At the entrance of the courtyard a group of Cardinal’s guards are dealing with Porthos, whilst Athos is fighting single combat with D’Artagnan. Through the entrance Aramis arrives on horseback carrying someone)

Porthos: (looking up) Aramis! What kept you? You've missed all the fun!

(Aramis and the stranger dismount. Athos stops fighting and sidesteps D’Artagnan’s parry. He stands next to the stranger leaving poor D’Artagnan confused, as both he and the stranger are identical)

D’Artagnan: (looking at both men in a confused manner) You, You! The uniform! He fooled me?

Athos: Now, will you admit your mistake? He's the one who has committed all these robberies, and naturally everyone mistook him for me!

Aramis: So they did, but I must state that the plumes on his hat gave him away, for the ones that you wear are somewhat lighter and finer. (And he takes a feather out from under his hat)

D’Artagnan: (growls angrily and sheaths his sword) Let me have a better look at him! (He rips the eye patch off the stranger)

Porthos: (gasps) So it's you! You wanted to get even with me, didn’t you?

Aramis: Not just you, All of us!

Athos: (turns) And I suppose the cardinal’s guards were in on this little conspiracy too? Well... Were you?

Guards: (in unison and shaking like leaves) No we know nothing... We were following an order, that’s all!

Aramis: It may be true that they know nothing about it, but there’s no doubt he knows whose behind all of this. (Unsheathes his sword) Speak up! Tell us who paid you to impersonate Athos?

Stranger: My lips are sealed! (And he runs off towards the entrance)

D’Artagnan: Hey! Stop him! He's getting away. Stop him!

(The stranger runs out of the courtyard and turns left. There is a gunshot and the stranger staggers back into the courtyard and collapses. Aramis and Athos run to the impostor’s side)

Aramis: Monsieur? Monsieur?

Athos: He's dead! I demand to know who shot this man!

(Captain Widimir, holding a gun, and flanked by Cardinal’s guards enters the courtyard)

Widimir: (pointing to the stranger) Anyone who brings dishonour to the Cardinals guards knows the consequences! (He turns to leave)

D’Artagnan: Hold hard there, Captain! (Widimir pauses) You paid him! You're behind this conspiracy!

Widimir: (turns around and looks at D’Artagnan with a snide look) And who is going to believe you?

Musketeers: One for all and all for one! (They advance on Widimir)

Widimir: (tiredly) Very well then! Kill them!

(The Musketeers joined by D’Artagnan start to battle the guardsmen. Porthos deals with the guardsmen he was dealing with earlier. Widimir advances on Athos. Aramis is dealing with two more guardsmen whilst D’Artagnan is dealing with another one near the entrance. Unseen by all, the TARDIS materialises in the right angle of the house. The Doctor exits the TARDIS and takes a deep breath)

Doctor: Ah, smell that Parisian air!

Paul: (popping his head out of the TARDIS and seeing the battle) Er, it doesn’t look very safe, Doctor!

Doctor: Nothing to bother us, Paul, and besides if my memory of these little skirmishes is correct, it will be over soon. (He walks over to a step and sits down)

Paul: So, who’s who then Doctor?

Doctor: Well, let me introduce you then. Who would you like to meet first then!

Paul: Athos!

Doctor: (looking around) Athos, Athos, Athos. Ah, there he is! He’s dealing with (snaps his finger trying to remember) Oh, I should know who it is. (Paul tries to whisper into the Doctor’s ear) Don’t tell me, Paul, I’ll remember in a minute. That’s it. Captain Widimir of the Cardinal’s guards!

Paul: And the person who just bumped one of those guards off?

Doctor: That would be Aramis.

(Aramis is fighting with a guardsman and sends his sword flying into the air. As he does so another guardsman comes behind him. He quickly turns and stabs the guardsman who falls to the ground as the sword lands next to him)

Aramis: (taking off his hat and bowing) And may God have mercy on your soul!

Doctor: Now, how’s that for unconventional!

Paul: Weird! Ah, now I think I can guess who that is.

Doctor: Who? (Looking)

Paul: The one with those three guardsmen around a tree!

(Porthos grabs three Guardsmen around a tree and starts pulling to and fro. With a grunt of effort he lifts the tree and the guardsmen and throws them all to the ground)

Porthos: Now, you’ve got me angry!

Paul: (almost in a state of hero worship) Oh, man, Doctor. Did you see that! I thought I was strong but that has completely blown me away (and he starts walking towards Porthos)

Doctor: (laughing) Strongmen, they’re all the same. Hercules, Samson, Porthos! (Starts looking around) Now, where has little D’Artagnan got to then? Ah, there he is. Now that is odd, why is he running straight at Athos?

(D’Artagnan runs at Athos and pushes him out of the way of a bullet fired by Widimir. The bullet carries on and hits Paul in the chest. He takes a breath, grabs his chest and staggers backwards. He gently moves his hands away and notices that there is blood on them)

Paul: (quietly) Doctor, I’ve been shot! (And he collapses)

Doctor: PAUL! (And he runs up to him) Paul! Paul! Are you all right? It’s vital that you stay awake.

(The Musketeers gather around the Doctor and Paul leaving Widimir and the guardsmen to escape. Widimir turns and smiles wickedly before leaving the courtyard)

Aramis: Is he hurt?

Doctor: (losing his patience) He’s just been shot, can’t you see that! We need to get the bullet out of him (has an idea and looks up at the Musketeers) I need a steel sword, quick!

(The Musketeers all look at each other)

Athos: We all have iron swords, Monsieur.

Doctor: (on the verge of shouting) I need a steel sword!

(There is a polite cough from behind the Doctor who turns around. D’Artagnan gives him his sword, which the Doctor looks at. As he does a huge smile crosses his face)

Doctor: A steel sword. (Turns to Paul) Hang on in there Paul; I’ll be back in precisely 31.2 seconds. (He gets up and runs to the TARDIS.)

(The Musketeers follow the Doctor and look at the TARDIS quizzically)

Aramis: Well, gentlemen, what do you make of that then?

Athos: I must say that is the strangest looking monolith that I have ever seen. What of you Porthos? Do you think that you could lift it?

Porthos: (flexing his arms) These arms can lift anything, Athos, even monoliths!

(The Doctor bursts out of the TARDIS with D’Artagnan‘s sword and a length of cabling, which he wraps around the sword as he approaches Paul. He puts the ends in his pocket and gingerly holds the sword above the wound)

Doctor: Hold on to something, Paul. This may hurt

(Paul grabs the nearest thing, which happens to be Porthos’s boot)

Porthos: (annoyed) Hey!

(The Doctor gently drops the sword into the wound and jiggles it slightly. There is a CHINK and the Doctor pulls the sword out with a bloodstained bullet at the end of it. He takes the bullet and throws it away and starts to tend Paul’s wound)

D’Artagnan: You’re a healer!

Doctor: Am I? Well, perhaps I am, but I know my limits and those limits I have reached. Is there a hospital near here that my friend can attend?

Aramis: Musketeer Headquarters has a hospital. Perhaps they can help your friend.

(The other Musketeers nod and Porthos lifts Paul onto Aramis’s horse. Aramis mounts and they both exit the courtyard)

Doctor: (as he unwraps the cable) Thank you, Monsieur. Will my friend be okay?

Athos: Oh, I am sure of it. But tell me, just how do you get a bullet out of a person using only a sword?

Doctor: (handing the sword back to D’Artagnan) What? Oh, that. Nothing more than simple magnetism!

D’Artagnan: (sheathing his sword) Ah, magic then!

Doctor: Not quite, no. Oh, how rude of me. I’ve not introduced myself. That was Paul that you helped and I’m the Doctor!

Porthos: (wandering up) Doctor? Of what, precisely?

Doctor: Allsorts, you could say. Now, can anyone give me a lift to Musketeer Headquarters? I’d like to see my friend and reassure him.

Porthos: Of course, Doctor. (And he whistles)

(A stable lad brings out a horse and the Doctor and Porthos mount it and exit the courtyard)