Monday, 22 June 2009

Scene 1 (and Prologue)

(The Doctor is sitting next to the console looking plaintive)

Doctor: (sighs) You know old girl, we've had some times together haven't we? How many times I have changed the desktop theme now? Seven times? Well, eight if you count the secondary control room I suppose. And yet through it all you've come up trumps haven't you? (The Doctor gets up and gives the console a pat of appreciation). Still, my time has come. Twelve regenerations down and just this last life to live eh?

(Something on the console starts to flash).

Doctor: Hello, what's this? (He presses a button and a video plays).

Video: This is the message of Rassilion that I command to be installed into every TARDIS manufactured and only to be played when the last of our race has regenerated for the last time. Congratulations on being the last Timelord alive. You hold the future of our once great race. I therefore command you to record your history into this TARDIS, then once you have done, pilot it to Earth and ensure that a new Timelord race is able to rise up. I, Rassilion command it!

Doctor: (as the video fades). Goodness (thinks) Earth become a new Gallifrey? Well, I'll try certainly. The question is trying to find the right person and the right time frame as well. Still, the first bit I can do quite easily. Now, when should I start? (He picks up something that looks like a pair of headphones and puts them on). Start Memory Backup. (The headphones glow). Ah, yes, my last regeneration's first companion. Paul Rocks from the Dumbell Nebula. If I remember correctly, he was quite the bookend which was odd considering that the planet he came from had a much lower gravity than Earth's and so made him about a tenth stronger than normal humans. If I recall, I was doing some maintenance work on the console when he raised the issue of a book I had given him

(fade into scene 2)

Scene 2

Scene 2: TARDIS console room

(Paul is sitting in a chair opposite the console and reading a book whilst behind the console a hand pops up every so often, pats the console looking for something, finds a tool and then disappears behind the console again)

Paul: (closing the book) I rather enjoyed that book, Doctor, thanks for finding it for me.

(Sound of banging from behind the console)

Doctor: (shouting above the banging) WHAT? CAN’T HEAR YOU, PAUL! DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?

Paul: (raising his voice) I said that I enjoyed that book that you found for me Doctor

Doctor: (still shouting) SORRY! CAN’T HEAR A WORD YOU’RE SAYING! (And stops banging)

Paul: (starts to shout just as the Doctor stops banging) I SAID THAT I LIKED THAT BOOK YOU FOUND FOR ME!

(The Doctor peers over the console edge looking at Paul with disdain)

Doctor: There’s no need to shout you know. I’m not deaf!

(Paul throws his hands up in despair as the Doctor sinks below the console again. A few seconds later a hand pops up again and starts feeling around for something)

Doctor: (from beneath the console) You couldn’t find me a neutron ram could you? I seem to have misplaced it.

(Paul gets out of the chair and moves to the console where a series of odd looking tools are laid out. He has a good look and then picks one up at random, leans over the console and dangles it by the Doctor’s hand. The Doctor takes it)

Doctor: (from beneath the console) Oh, well done Paul. We’ll make a TARDIS engineer out of you yet! So what did you make of that book then?

Paul: The Three Musketeers? (He goes back to the chair and picks the book up)

Doctor: That’s the one! (There is a flash of light from behind the console and a small column of smoke raises accompanied by the Doctor swearing in Gallifreyan)

Paul: It’s not that bad, but…

Doctor: But what?

Paul: Well I can’t understand why Porthos would kill himself, just to get rid of a detachment of the Cardinals' guards. I mean, collapse the cave by all means, but at least escape first!

(The Doctor peers over the edge of the console, look at Paul wearily, then emerges blowing on his fingers)

Doctor: You have, I hope at any rate, read the book from start to finish?

Paul: Of course I have!

Doctor: Then you know full well that Porthos was quite an elderly gentleman at the time of the incident. It seems better to go out in a blaze of glory, and take some of the enemy out as well, than die in a glorious chateau in the south of France sipping wine and eating regional cheese. (He dips behind the console again, and then pops up). Mind you, that said!

Paul: (interrupting) My point exactly, Doctor. Porthos didn’t have to go anywhere, least of all to his death!

Doctor: (sighing) You know, Paul, I think it’s high time that we met Monsieur Porthos and his companions and then you’ll see that I’m right. (He closes the console and starts typing in something as he speaks) Now, let me think. May 17th 1625 should do the trick. Now provided I have my mathematics correct we should arrive at the beginning.

Paul: (puzzled) Beginning?

Doctor: Yes, when Monsieur D’Artagnan first met the Musketeers. (He presses a button and the central column starts to move)

Scene 3

Scene 3: Porthos’ Courtyard

(Porthos’s courtyard is in front of a large right-angled shaped house. At the entrance of the courtyard a group of Cardinal’s guards are dealing with Porthos, whilst Athos is fighting single combat with D’Artagnan. Through the entrance Aramis arrives on horseback carrying someone)

Porthos: (looking up) Aramis! What kept you? You've missed all the fun!

(Aramis and the stranger dismount. Athos stops fighting and sidesteps D’Artagnan’s parry. He stands next to the stranger leaving poor D’Artagnan confused, as both he and the stranger are identical)

D’Artagnan: (looking at both men in a confused manner) You, You! The uniform! He fooled me?

Athos: Now, will you admit your mistake? He's the one who has committed all these robberies, and naturally everyone mistook him for me!

Aramis: So they did, but I must state that the plumes on his hat gave him away, for the ones that you wear are somewhat lighter and finer. (And he takes a feather out from under his hat)

D’Artagnan: (growls angrily and sheaths his sword) Let me have a better look at him! (He rips the eye patch off the stranger)

Porthos: (gasps) So it's you! You wanted to get even with me, didn’t you?

Aramis: Not just you, All of us!

Athos: (turns) And I suppose the cardinal’s guards were in on this little conspiracy too? Well... Were you?

Guards: (in unison and shaking like leaves) No we know nothing... We were following an order, that’s all!

Aramis: It may be true that they know nothing about it, but there’s no doubt he knows whose behind all of this. (Unsheathes his sword) Speak up! Tell us who paid you to impersonate Athos?

Stranger: My lips are sealed! (And he runs off towards the entrance)

D’Artagnan: Hey! Stop him! He's getting away. Stop him!

(The stranger runs out of the courtyard and turns left. There is a gunshot and the stranger staggers back into the courtyard and collapses. Aramis and Athos run to the impostor’s side)

Aramis: Monsieur? Monsieur?

Athos: He's dead! I demand to know who shot this man!

(Captain Widimir, holding a gun, and flanked by Cardinal’s guards enters the courtyard)

Widimir: (pointing to the stranger) Anyone who brings dishonour to the Cardinals guards knows the consequences! (He turns to leave)

D’Artagnan: Hold hard there, Captain! (Widimir pauses) You paid him! You're behind this conspiracy!

Widimir: (turns around and looks at D’Artagnan with a snide look) And who is going to believe you?

Musketeers: One for all and all for one! (They advance on Widimir)

Widimir: (tiredly) Very well then! Kill them!

(The Musketeers joined by D’Artagnan start to battle the guardsmen. Porthos deals with the guardsmen he was dealing with earlier. Widimir advances on Athos. Aramis is dealing with two more guardsmen whilst D’Artagnan is dealing with another one near the entrance. Unseen by all, the TARDIS materialises in the right angle of the house. The Doctor exits the TARDIS and takes a deep breath)

Doctor: Ah, smell that Parisian air!

Paul: (popping his head out of the TARDIS and seeing the battle) Er, it doesn’t look very safe, Doctor!

Doctor: Nothing to bother us, Paul, and besides if my memory of these little skirmishes is correct, it will be over soon. (He walks over to a step and sits down)

Paul: So, who’s who then Doctor?

Doctor: Well, let me introduce you then. Who would you like to meet first then!

Paul: Athos!

Doctor: (looking around) Athos, Athos, Athos. Ah, there he is! He’s dealing with (snaps his finger trying to remember) Oh, I should know who it is. (Paul tries to whisper into the Doctor’s ear) Don’t tell me, Paul, I’ll remember in a minute. That’s it. Captain Widimir of the Cardinal’s guards!

Paul: And the person who just bumped one of those guards off?

Doctor: That would be Aramis.

(Aramis is fighting with a guardsman and sends his sword flying into the air. As he does so another guardsman comes behind him. He quickly turns and stabs the guardsman who falls to the ground as the sword lands next to him)

Aramis: (taking off his hat and bowing) And may God have mercy on your soul!

Doctor: Now, how’s that for unconventional!

Paul: Weird! Ah, now I think I can guess who that is.

Doctor: Who? (Looking)

Paul: The one with those three guardsmen around a tree!

(Porthos grabs three Guardsmen around a tree and starts pulling to and fro. With a grunt of effort he lifts the tree and the guardsmen and throws them all to the ground)

Porthos: Now, you’ve got me angry!

Paul: (almost in a state of hero worship) Oh, man, Doctor. Did you see that! I thought I was strong but that has completely blown me away (and he starts walking towards Porthos)

Doctor: (laughing) Strongmen, they’re all the same. Hercules, Samson, Porthos! (Starts looking around) Now, where has little D’Artagnan got to then? Ah, there he is. Now that is odd, why is he running straight at Athos?

(D’Artagnan runs at Athos and pushes him out of the way of a bullet fired by Widimir. The bullet carries on and hits Paul in the chest. He takes a breath, grabs his chest and staggers backwards. He gently moves his hands away and notices that there is blood on them)

Paul: (quietly) Doctor, I’ve been shot! (And he collapses)

Doctor: PAUL! (And he runs up to him) Paul! Paul! Are you all right? It’s vital that you stay awake.

(The Musketeers gather around the Doctor and Paul leaving Widimir and the guardsmen to escape. Widimir turns and smiles wickedly before leaving the courtyard)

Aramis: Is he hurt?

Doctor: (losing his patience) He’s just been shot, can’t you see that! We need to get the bullet out of him (has an idea and looks up at the Musketeers) I need a steel sword, quick!

(The Musketeers all look at each other)

Athos: We all have iron swords, Monsieur.

Doctor: (on the verge of shouting) I need a steel sword!

(There is a polite cough from behind the Doctor who turns around. D’Artagnan gives him his sword, which the Doctor looks at. As he does a huge smile crosses his face)

Doctor: A steel sword. (Turns to Paul) Hang on in there Paul; I’ll be back in precisely 31.2 seconds. (He gets up and runs to the TARDIS.)

(The Musketeers follow the Doctor and look at the TARDIS quizzically)

Aramis: Well, gentlemen, what do you make of that then?

Athos: I must say that is the strangest looking monolith that I have ever seen. What of you Porthos? Do you think that you could lift it?

Porthos: (flexing his arms) These arms can lift anything, Athos, even monoliths!

(The Doctor bursts out of the TARDIS with D’Artagnan‘s sword and a length of cabling, which he wraps around the sword as he approaches Paul. He puts the ends in his pocket and gingerly holds the sword above the wound)

Doctor: Hold on to something, Paul. This may hurt

(Paul grabs the nearest thing, which happens to be Porthos’s boot)

Porthos: (annoyed) Hey!

(The Doctor gently drops the sword into the wound and jiggles it slightly. There is a CHINK and the Doctor pulls the sword out with a bloodstained bullet at the end of it. He takes the bullet and throws it away and starts to tend Paul’s wound)

D’Artagnan: You’re a healer!

Doctor: Am I? Well, perhaps I am, but I know my limits and those limits I have reached. Is there a hospital near here that my friend can attend?

Aramis: Musketeer Headquarters has a hospital. Perhaps they can help your friend.

(The other Musketeers nod and Porthos lifts Paul onto Aramis’s horse. Aramis mounts and they both exit the courtyard)

Doctor: (as he unwraps the cable) Thank you, Monsieur. Will my friend be okay?

Athos: Oh, I am sure of it. But tell me, just how do you get a bullet out of a person using only a sword?

Doctor: (handing the sword back to D’Artagnan) What? Oh, that. Nothing more than simple magnetism!

D’Artagnan: (sheathing his sword) Ah, magic then!

Doctor: Not quite, no. Oh, how rude of me. I’ve not introduced myself. That was Paul that you helped and I’m the Doctor!

Porthos: (wandering up) Doctor? Of what, precisely?

Doctor: Allsorts, you could say. Now, can anyone give me a lift to Musketeer Headquarters? I’d like to see my friend and reassure him.

Porthos: Of course, Doctor. (And he whistles)

(A stable lad brings out a horse and the Doctor and Porthos mount it and exit the courtyard)

Scene 4

Scene 4: Cardinal Richelieu’s quarters

(Cardinal Richelieu is sitting behind a desk on a throne like chair, growling quietly to himself. Widimir is prostrating himself in front of him trying to avoid eye contact. Eventually Richelieu can no longer control himself and he stands up and looks at Widimir with a stern face)

Richelieu: (bawling) How DARE you appear before me having made such a spectacle of yourself? You have brought disgrace upon my guards! And you’re the commanding officer! Do you have anything to say?

Widimir: (whimpering) Eminence, I beg forgiveness! It won’t happen again! (And he starts to crawl towards the Cardinal’s desk)

Richelieu: (under his breath) Hell is full of such unkempt promises. (Aloud) I shall avenge this affront myself, now be off with you!

Widimir: (poking above the rim of the Cardinal’s desk) But your Eminence, the Musketeers had help. Two strangers in a blue box, a box that wasn’t there when we arrived!

Richelieu: (fuming to point of exploding) Widimir! (And then he suddenly calms downs) A blue box you say?

(Widimir nods)

Richelieu: (pondering) Thank you, Captain. That was a most interesting report. You can go now!

(Widimir reverses out of the Cardinal’s quarters bowing at every chance. As he leaves the Cardinal stands up and makes his way to a nearby window and looks out across Paris)

Richelieu: So, you thought that you would check on me, eh, Doctor? Well, let me tell you, you have walked right into my trap. They don’t call me the Master for nothing you know!

(With that, Richelieu starts to laugh the trademark Master laugh)

Scene 5

Scene 5: Treville’s quarters

(Athos and the Doctor are in Treville’s quarters at Musketeer Headquarters. Treville is asking Athos about an incident that happened before the Doctor’s arrival. Treville is behind a desk sitting down)

Athos: And so we thought we would teach them a lesson!

(Treville growls quietly at Athos’s answer)

Treville: But things got out of hand, and it turned into a common brawl?

(Athos nods)

Treville: (getting up from his desk and looking the Doctor up and down) And where do you fit into all of this, Monsieur Docteur?

Doctor: (coughing politely) It’s Doctor, actually and, well to be honest, I don’t!

Treville: (surprised) You don’t?

Doctor: That’s right. You see my companion and I only arrived in Paris a couple of hours ago. Now, if I have my sense of timing right, it sounds as though the events that happened involving Monsieur Athos here happened this morning, so we couldn’t very well shed any light on the event if we weren’t there, now can we?

(Treville finds himself nodding in agreement. There is a knock at the door and a servant pops his head around it)

Servant: Monsieur Treville, there is a lady here to see you!

Treville: (growling) I thought I gave instructions not to be disturbed (to Athos and the Doctor) Please excuse me! (And he leaves the room)

(As Treville leaves the room, Aramis, Porthos and D’Artagnan enter the room with D’Artagnan clearly in a state of surprise)

D’Artagnan: Did you know that Madame Jean Call is outside?

Doctor: (shocked) Not THE Madame Jean Call?

D’Artagnan: You know her?

Doctor: (rummaging in his pockets and taking out several pieces of cotton wool) Only by reputation!

Athos: Reputation? What reputation?

Doctor: (putting the cotton wool in his ears) For having the loudest voice in all of France!

(The Musketeers look at the Doctor in amazement and Athos scratches his head. A short while later a loud and shrill voice screams from outside the room “I assure you, Monsieur Treville, that you will REGRET this outrage”. The Musketeers all fiddle with their ears as the Doctor takes the cotton wool of our his ears)

Doctor: (smiling as he puts the wool back in his pockets) Prevention is the better part of valour, gentlemen!

(The Musketeers all look at each other and nod. Treville re-enters the room and D’Artagnan presents him with a musket)

D’Artagnan: Captain Treville, this is the musket used to injure the Doctor’s companion!

Doctor: (shocked) You mean whoever shot him was aiming at him?

D’Artagnan: Non, Monsieur. The assailant was aiming at Monsieur Athos. I saw this and threw him to the ground to save his life. (Bowing to the Doctor) I am sorry if your friend was hurt as a result of my actions!

Doctor: I’m sure that Paul will forgive you. After all, we can’t have Athos being killed now, can we?

Athos: (laughing heartily) Indeed we can’t, Docteur!

Doctor: Doctor, Athos, Doctor!

Treville: (looking at the musket) This is like no musket I have ever seen at all in my life. Doctor, you seem to know a fair bit about these things, what do you make of it? (And he hands it to the Doctor)

Doctor: (taking the musket and investigates it) Let’s have a look then! (He examines the musket and then freezes before handing the musket back to Treville by the handle) Oh, I know exactly what sort of musket this is.

(The Musketeers are all on tenterhooks)

Treville: Then, please tell us, Monsieur!

Doctor: It’s a Smith and Wesson!

(The Musketeers and Treville look at each other and scratch their heads)

Treville: And what sort of musket is that then?

Doctor: (under his breath) One that shouldn’t be invented for another three hundred years!

Treville: I’m sorry, Doctor, what did you say?

Doctor: (coughing) Oh, sorry, didn’t you catch what I said? I said, “I am sorry to state that you have confirmed my fears”. This is the latest musket used by the forces of King Phillip IV!

(Treville gasps)

Treville: King Phillip IV?

Doctor: Of Spain!

(Treville paces the floor in front of his desk)

Treville: This is a very worrying development. If King Phillip is arming the Cardinal’s guards then this can only mean one thing. Spain is trying to subvert French society. (He stops pacing) Gentlemen, I am afraid I am going to have to have to cancel your leave from now on.

(The Musketeers greet this news by protesting)

Treville: (holding up his hand) I will ask the King for his advice on this issue. In the meantime, I would suggest that you find all the Musketeers and bring them back to Headquarters.

D’Artagnan: Does that include me, sir?

Treville: Indeed it does D’Artagnan, which is why I want you to tell the cadets the news!

(D’Artagnan swells with pride and marches out of Treville’s quarters)

Treville: You have your orders, Gentlemen!

Doctor: Er, excuse me for a moment, Monsieur. I was wondering if I could borrow Porthos, a horse and a cart?

Treville: A horse and cart, I can understand Doctor, but why Porthos?

Doctor: (winking at Porthos) I’m hoping that he can lift a monolith for me.

(Porthos rubs his hands together in glee as the Musketeers and the Doctor leave Treville’s quarters)

Scene 6

Scene 6: Outside Musketeer Headquarters

Porthos lets go of the TARDIS and stands back, patting his brow with a handkerchief. He walks around it and whistles.

Porthos: Monsieur Docteur, I…

(The Doctor coughs harshly)

Porthos: Doctor, I cannot credit it. When you showed me inside this monolith of yours, I expected it to weigh the same as Mont Blanc, and whilst it’s doesn’t weigh that much, it’s still enough to bring me, Porthos, the strongest man in France, into a sweat. Are you a great magician?

Doctor: Me? A magician? Now, don’t talk twaddle, Porthos. No, I’m just very good at making unusual things happen, that’s all!

(The other Musketeers ride in)

Doctor: Ah, Athos and Aramis, how was the news received?

Aramis: Very badly, Monsieur and with great concern. Are you sure that Spain is trying to influence France in some way?

Doctor: I’m not sure at the moment, but best to keep our guard up, eh?

(There is a fanfare and Treville’s carriage enters the courtyard. As Treville exits, the Musketeers and the Doctor bow. D’Artagnan also exits as well)

D’Artagnan: (modestly) Oh, now really. There’s no need to bow for me!

Treville: Gentlemen, Doctor, I have informed the King of the situation and he agrees that all leave should be cancelled. (The Musketeers frown) But, he has said that he will allow you one dispensation. He has granted you this evening off duty.

(The Musketeers cheer)

D’Artagnan: (pulling at Treville’s shirt) What about me, sir?

Treville: You too, D’Artagnan!

Porthos: May the Doctor come as well, sir?

Treville: Doctor?

Doctor: I don’t see why not, I shan’t be here for another 354 years.

Porthos: I know just the place to go. The Pomme du Pup!

(Athos starts licking his lips)

Athos: I can’t remember the last time I was there.

Aramis: No, but I’m sure that the staff can!

(The Musketeers laugh)

Aramis: Come on then, last one there pays the bill!

(Athos and Aramis mount up on their horses and D’Artagnan, Porthos and the Doctor climb into Treville’s coach and exit the courtyard)

Treville: (with a smile on his face) Gentlemen. Perfect Gentlemen!

(A servant approaches Treville)

Servant: Monsieur, the patient has now woken up and is asking for the Doctor!

Treville: Well, why are you asking me then?

Servant: He insists on seeing the Doctor, not a doctor.

Treville: (twigging) Ah, I see! (And he follows the servant to the infirmary)

Scene 7

Scene 7: The Infirmary

Paul is sitting up in bed as Treville enters. There is a bandage across his chest.

Treville: (going to sit at the end of Paul’s bed) And how are we feeling, Monsieur?

Paul: Not that bad, actually, for someone who has been shot. (He looks around) Er, isn’t the Doctor with you?

Treville: The Musketeers have taken him sightseeing!

Paul: Sightseeing? The Doctor? That is just typical of him! He gets all worked up about something and completely forgets that there is someone who needs his help. (He sighs and then winces)

Treville: The doctors have told me that you should recover in a few days, which brings me to the reason why I came to see you. I understand that you have an interest in the Musketeers.

Paul: I should say! (He leans over to Treville and whispers) Did you know that Porthos collapses a cave on him to prevent the Cardinal’s Guards from taking control of a regional centre?

(Treville looks at Paul in amazement)

Treville: When did he do that?

Paul: (thinks) I can’t rightly remember, myself, just don’t tell the Doctor I told you!

Treville: (perplexed) Yes, well I had a word with His Majesty this afternoon and told him about your little accident and that it saved the life of Athos, and he has agreed to my little idea.

Paul: (puzzled) Idea?

Treville: (stands at the end of the bed and pulls a scroll from his pockets which he reads) I, Captain Treville, Captain of His Majesty’s Musketeers (that’s me by the way) am hereby commanded by His Majesty King Louis XIII (that’s the King) to make Monsieur Paul Rocks (that’s you) an honorary Musketeer in recognition of the act of saving the life of Musketeer Athos.

(Paul looks at Treville in silence)

Paul: (unable to comprehend) Me? A Musketeer? You mean like Athos, Aramis and Porthos?

(Treville nods)

Paul: Oh, man! I don’t believe it! (He swells with pride and then winces and coughs)

Treville: (patting him gently on the back) Let’s get you well first, all right?

Paul: It’s a deal!