Monday, 22 June 2009

Scene 1 (and Prologue)

(The Doctor is sitting next to the console looking plaintive)

Doctor: (sighs) You know old girl, we've had some times together haven't we? How many times I have changed the desktop theme now? Seven times? Well, eight if you count the secondary control room I suppose. And yet through it all you've come up trumps haven't you? (The Doctor gets up and gives the console a pat of appreciation). Still, my time has come. Twelve regenerations down and just this last life to live eh?

(Something on the console starts to flash).

Doctor: Hello, what's this? (He presses a button and a video plays).

Video: This is the message of Rassilion that I command to be installed into every TARDIS manufactured and only to be played when the last of our race has regenerated for the last time. Congratulations on being the last Timelord alive. You hold the future of our once great race. I therefore command you to record your history into this TARDIS, then once you have done, pilot it to Earth and ensure that a new Timelord race is able to rise up. I, Rassilion command it!

Doctor: (as the video fades). Goodness (thinks) Earth become a new Gallifrey? Well, I'll try certainly. The question is trying to find the right person and the right time frame as well. Still, the first bit I can do quite easily. Now, when should I start? (He picks up something that looks like a pair of headphones and puts them on). Start Memory Backup. (The headphones glow). Ah, yes, my last regeneration's first companion. Paul Rocks from the Dumbell Nebula. If I remember correctly, he was quite the bookend which was odd considering that the planet he came from had a much lower gravity than Earth's and so made him about a tenth stronger than normal humans. If I recall, I was doing some maintenance work on the console when he raised the issue of a book I had given him

(fade into scene 2)

Scene 2

Scene 2: TARDIS console room

(Paul is sitting in a chair opposite the console and reading a book whilst behind the console a hand pops up every so often, pats the console looking for something, finds a tool and then disappears behind the console again)

Paul: (closing the book) I rather enjoyed that book, Doctor, thanks for finding it for me.

(Sound of banging from behind the console)

Doctor: (shouting above the banging) WHAT? CAN’T HEAR YOU, PAUL! DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?

Paul: (raising his voice) I said that I enjoyed that book that you found for me Doctor

Doctor: (still shouting) SORRY! CAN’T HEAR A WORD YOU’RE SAYING! (And stops banging)

Paul: (starts to shout just as the Doctor stops banging) I SAID THAT I LIKED THAT BOOK YOU FOUND FOR ME!

(The Doctor peers over the console edge looking at Paul with disdain)

Doctor: There’s no need to shout you know. I’m not deaf!

(Paul throws his hands up in despair as the Doctor sinks below the console again. A few seconds later a hand pops up again and starts feeling around for something)

Doctor: (from beneath the console) You couldn’t find me a neutron ram could you? I seem to have misplaced it.

(Paul gets out of the chair and moves to the console where a series of odd looking tools are laid out. He has a good look and then picks one up at random, leans over the console and dangles it by the Doctor’s hand. The Doctor takes it)

Doctor: (from beneath the console) Oh, well done Paul. We’ll make a TARDIS engineer out of you yet! So what did you make of that book then?

Paul: The Three Musketeers? (He goes back to the chair and picks the book up)

Doctor: That’s the one! (There is a flash of light from behind the console and a small column of smoke raises accompanied by the Doctor swearing in Gallifreyan)

Paul: It’s not that bad, but…

Doctor: But what?

Paul: Well I can’t understand why Porthos would kill himself, just to get rid of a detachment of the Cardinals' guards. I mean, collapse the cave by all means, but at least escape first!

(The Doctor peers over the edge of the console, look at Paul wearily, then emerges blowing on his fingers)

Doctor: You have, I hope at any rate, read the book from start to finish?

Paul: Of course I have!

Doctor: Then you know full well that Porthos was quite an elderly gentleman at the time of the incident. It seems better to go out in a blaze of glory, and take some of the enemy out as well, than die in a glorious chateau in the south of France sipping wine and eating regional cheese. (He dips behind the console again, and then pops up). Mind you, that said!

Paul: (interrupting) My point exactly, Doctor. Porthos didn’t have to go anywhere, least of all to his death!

Doctor: (sighing) You know, Paul, I think it’s high time that we met Monsieur Porthos and his companions and then you’ll see that I’m right. (He closes the console and starts typing in something as he speaks) Now, let me think. May 17th 1625 should do the trick. Now provided I have my mathematics correct we should arrive at the beginning.

Paul: (puzzled) Beginning?

Doctor: Yes, when Monsieur D’Artagnan first met the Musketeers. (He presses a button and the central column starts to move)

Scene 3

Scene 3: Porthos’ Courtyard

(Porthos’s courtyard is in front of a large right-angled shaped house. At the entrance of the courtyard a group of Cardinal’s guards are dealing with Porthos, whilst Athos is fighting single combat with D’Artagnan. Through the entrance Aramis arrives on horseback carrying someone)

Porthos: (looking up) Aramis! What kept you? You've missed all the fun!

(Aramis and the stranger dismount. Athos stops fighting and sidesteps D’Artagnan’s parry. He stands next to the stranger leaving poor D’Artagnan confused, as both he and the stranger are identical)

D’Artagnan: (looking at both men in a confused manner) You, You! The uniform! He fooled me?

Athos: Now, will you admit your mistake? He's the one who has committed all these robberies, and naturally everyone mistook him for me!

Aramis: So they did, but I must state that the plumes on his hat gave him away, for the ones that you wear are somewhat lighter and finer. (And he takes a feather out from under his hat)

D’Artagnan: (growls angrily and sheaths his sword) Let me have a better look at him! (He rips the eye patch off the stranger)

Porthos: (gasps) So it's you! You wanted to get even with me, didn’t you?

Aramis: Not just you, All of us!

Athos: (turns) And I suppose the cardinal’s guards were in on this little conspiracy too? Well... Were you?

Guards: (in unison and shaking like leaves) No we know nothing... We were following an order, that’s all!

Aramis: It may be true that they know nothing about it, but there’s no doubt he knows whose behind all of this. (Unsheathes his sword) Speak up! Tell us who paid you to impersonate Athos?

Stranger: My lips are sealed! (And he runs off towards the entrance)

D’Artagnan: Hey! Stop him! He's getting away. Stop him!

(The stranger runs out of the courtyard and turns left. There is a gunshot and the stranger staggers back into the courtyard and collapses. Aramis and Athos run to the impostor’s side)

Aramis: Monsieur? Monsieur?

Athos: He's dead! I demand to know who shot this man!

(Captain Widimir, holding a gun, and flanked by Cardinal’s guards enters the courtyard)

Widimir: (pointing to the stranger) Anyone who brings dishonour to the Cardinals guards knows the consequences! (He turns to leave)

D’Artagnan: Hold hard there, Captain! (Widimir pauses) You paid him! You're behind this conspiracy!

Widimir: (turns around and looks at D’Artagnan with a snide look) And who is going to believe you?

Musketeers: One for all and all for one! (They advance on Widimir)

Widimir: (tiredly) Very well then! Kill them!

(The Musketeers joined by D’Artagnan start to battle the guardsmen. Porthos deals with the guardsmen he was dealing with earlier. Widimir advances on Athos. Aramis is dealing with two more guardsmen whilst D’Artagnan is dealing with another one near the entrance. Unseen by all, the TARDIS materialises in the right angle of the house. The Doctor exits the TARDIS and takes a deep breath)

Doctor: Ah, smell that Parisian air!

Paul: (popping his head out of the TARDIS and seeing the battle) Er, it doesn’t look very safe, Doctor!

Doctor: Nothing to bother us, Paul, and besides if my memory of these little skirmishes is correct, it will be over soon. (He walks over to a step and sits down)

Paul: So, who’s who then Doctor?

Doctor: Well, let me introduce you then. Who would you like to meet first then!

Paul: Athos!

Doctor: (looking around) Athos, Athos, Athos. Ah, there he is! He’s dealing with (snaps his finger trying to remember) Oh, I should know who it is. (Paul tries to whisper into the Doctor’s ear) Don’t tell me, Paul, I’ll remember in a minute. That’s it. Captain Widimir of the Cardinal’s guards!

Paul: And the person who just bumped one of those guards off?

Doctor: That would be Aramis.

(Aramis is fighting with a guardsman and sends his sword flying into the air. As he does so another guardsman comes behind him. He quickly turns and stabs the guardsman who falls to the ground as the sword lands next to him)

Aramis: (taking off his hat and bowing) And may God have mercy on your soul!

Doctor: Now, how’s that for unconventional!

Paul: Weird! Ah, now I think I can guess who that is.

Doctor: Who? (Looking)

Paul: The one with those three guardsmen around a tree!

(Porthos grabs three Guardsmen around a tree and starts pulling to and fro. With a grunt of effort he lifts the tree and the guardsmen and throws them all to the ground)

Porthos: Now, you’ve got me angry!

Paul: (almost in a state of hero worship) Oh, man, Doctor. Did you see that! I thought I was strong but that has completely blown me away (and he starts walking towards Porthos)

Doctor: (laughing) Strongmen, they’re all the same. Hercules, Samson, Porthos! (Starts looking around) Now, where has little D’Artagnan got to then? Ah, there he is. Now that is odd, why is he running straight at Athos?

(D’Artagnan runs at Athos and pushes him out of the way of a bullet fired by Widimir. The bullet carries on and hits Paul in the chest. He takes a breath, grabs his chest and staggers backwards. He gently moves his hands away and notices that there is blood on them)

Paul: (quietly) Doctor, I’ve been shot! (And he collapses)

Doctor: PAUL! (And he runs up to him) Paul! Paul! Are you all right? It’s vital that you stay awake.

(The Musketeers gather around the Doctor and Paul leaving Widimir and the guardsmen to escape. Widimir turns and smiles wickedly before leaving the courtyard)

Aramis: Is he hurt?

Doctor: (losing his patience) He’s just been shot, can’t you see that! We need to get the bullet out of him (has an idea and looks up at the Musketeers) I need a steel sword, quick!

(The Musketeers all look at each other)

Athos: We all have iron swords, Monsieur.

Doctor: (on the verge of shouting) I need a steel sword!

(There is a polite cough from behind the Doctor who turns around. D’Artagnan gives him his sword, which the Doctor looks at. As he does a huge smile crosses his face)

Doctor: A steel sword. (Turns to Paul) Hang on in there Paul; I’ll be back in precisely 31.2 seconds. (He gets up and runs to the TARDIS.)

(The Musketeers follow the Doctor and look at the TARDIS quizzically)

Aramis: Well, gentlemen, what do you make of that then?

Athos: I must say that is the strangest looking monolith that I have ever seen. What of you Porthos? Do you think that you could lift it?

Porthos: (flexing his arms) These arms can lift anything, Athos, even monoliths!

(The Doctor bursts out of the TARDIS with D’Artagnan‘s sword and a length of cabling, which he wraps around the sword as he approaches Paul. He puts the ends in his pocket and gingerly holds the sword above the wound)

Doctor: Hold on to something, Paul. This may hurt

(Paul grabs the nearest thing, which happens to be Porthos’s boot)

Porthos: (annoyed) Hey!

(The Doctor gently drops the sword into the wound and jiggles it slightly. There is a CHINK and the Doctor pulls the sword out with a bloodstained bullet at the end of it. He takes the bullet and throws it away and starts to tend Paul’s wound)

D’Artagnan: You’re a healer!

Doctor: Am I? Well, perhaps I am, but I know my limits and those limits I have reached. Is there a hospital near here that my friend can attend?

Aramis: Musketeer Headquarters has a hospital. Perhaps they can help your friend.

(The other Musketeers nod and Porthos lifts Paul onto Aramis’s horse. Aramis mounts and they both exit the courtyard)

Doctor: (as he unwraps the cable) Thank you, Monsieur. Will my friend be okay?

Athos: Oh, I am sure of it. But tell me, just how do you get a bullet out of a person using only a sword?

Doctor: (handing the sword back to D’Artagnan) What? Oh, that. Nothing more than simple magnetism!

D’Artagnan: (sheathing his sword) Ah, magic then!

Doctor: Not quite, no. Oh, how rude of me. I’ve not introduced myself. That was Paul that you helped and I’m the Doctor!

Porthos: (wandering up) Doctor? Of what, precisely?

Doctor: Allsorts, you could say. Now, can anyone give me a lift to Musketeer Headquarters? I’d like to see my friend and reassure him.

Porthos: Of course, Doctor. (And he whistles)

(A stable lad brings out a horse and the Doctor and Porthos mount it and exit the courtyard)

Scene 4

Scene 4: Cardinal Richelieu’s quarters

(Cardinal Richelieu is sitting behind a desk on a throne like chair, growling quietly to himself. Widimir is prostrating himself in front of him trying to avoid eye contact. Eventually Richelieu can no longer control himself and he stands up and looks at Widimir with a stern face)

Richelieu: (bawling) How DARE you appear before me having made such a spectacle of yourself? You have brought disgrace upon my guards! And you’re the commanding officer! Do you have anything to say?

Widimir: (whimpering) Eminence, I beg forgiveness! It won’t happen again! (And he starts to crawl towards the Cardinal’s desk)

Richelieu: (under his breath) Hell is full of such unkempt promises. (Aloud) I shall avenge this affront myself, now be off with you!

Widimir: (poking above the rim of the Cardinal’s desk) But your Eminence, the Musketeers had help. Two strangers in a blue box, a box that wasn’t there when we arrived!

Richelieu: (fuming to point of exploding) Widimir! (And then he suddenly calms downs) A blue box you say?

(Widimir nods)

Richelieu: (pondering) Thank you, Captain. That was a most interesting report. You can go now!

(Widimir reverses out of the Cardinal’s quarters bowing at every chance. As he leaves the Cardinal stands up and makes his way to a nearby window and looks out across Paris)

Richelieu: So, you thought that you would check on me, eh, Doctor? Well, let me tell you, you have walked right into my trap. They don’t call me the Master for nothing you know!

(With that, Richelieu starts to laugh the trademark Master laugh)

Scene 5

Scene 5: Treville’s quarters

(Athos and the Doctor are in Treville’s quarters at Musketeer Headquarters. Treville is asking Athos about an incident that happened before the Doctor’s arrival. Treville is behind a desk sitting down)

Athos: And so we thought we would teach them a lesson!

(Treville growls quietly at Athos’s answer)

Treville: But things got out of hand, and it turned into a common brawl?

(Athos nods)

Treville: (getting up from his desk and looking the Doctor up and down) And where do you fit into all of this, Monsieur Docteur?

Doctor: (coughing politely) It’s Doctor, actually and, well to be honest, I don’t!

Treville: (surprised) You don’t?

Doctor: That’s right. You see my companion and I only arrived in Paris a couple of hours ago. Now, if I have my sense of timing right, it sounds as though the events that happened involving Monsieur Athos here happened this morning, so we couldn’t very well shed any light on the event if we weren’t there, now can we?

(Treville finds himself nodding in agreement. There is a knock at the door and a servant pops his head around it)

Servant: Monsieur Treville, there is a lady here to see you!

Treville: (growling) I thought I gave instructions not to be disturbed (to Athos and the Doctor) Please excuse me! (And he leaves the room)

(As Treville leaves the room, Aramis, Porthos and D’Artagnan enter the room with D’Artagnan clearly in a state of surprise)

D’Artagnan: Did you know that Madame Jean Call is outside?

Doctor: (shocked) Not THE Madame Jean Call?

D’Artagnan: You know her?

Doctor: (rummaging in his pockets and taking out several pieces of cotton wool) Only by reputation!

Athos: Reputation? What reputation?

Doctor: (putting the cotton wool in his ears) For having the loudest voice in all of France!

(The Musketeers look at the Doctor in amazement and Athos scratches his head. A short while later a loud and shrill voice screams from outside the room “I assure you, Monsieur Treville, that you will REGRET this outrage”. The Musketeers all fiddle with their ears as the Doctor takes the cotton wool of our his ears)

Doctor: (smiling as he puts the wool back in his pockets) Prevention is the better part of valour, gentlemen!

(The Musketeers all look at each other and nod. Treville re-enters the room and D’Artagnan presents him with a musket)

D’Artagnan: Captain Treville, this is the musket used to injure the Doctor’s companion!

Doctor: (shocked) You mean whoever shot him was aiming at him?

D’Artagnan: Non, Monsieur. The assailant was aiming at Monsieur Athos. I saw this and threw him to the ground to save his life. (Bowing to the Doctor) I am sorry if your friend was hurt as a result of my actions!

Doctor: I’m sure that Paul will forgive you. After all, we can’t have Athos being killed now, can we?

Athos: (laughing heartily) Indeed we can’t, Docteur!

Doctor: Doctor, Athos, Doctor!

Treville: (looking at the musket) This is like no musket I have ever seen at all in my life. Doctor, you seem to know a fair bit about these things, what do you make of it? (And he hands it to the Doctor)

Doctor: (taking the musket and investigates it) Let’s have a look then! (He examines the musket and then freezes before handing the musket back to Treville by the handle) Oh, I know exactly what sort of musket this is.

(The Musketeers are all on tenterhooks)

Treville: Then, please tell us, Monsieur!

Doctor: It’s a Smith and Wesson!

(The Musketeers and Treville look at each other and scratch their heads)

Treville: And what sort of musket is that then?

Doctor: (under his breath) One that shouldn’t be invented for another three hundred years!

Treville: I’m sorry, Doctor, what did you say?

Doctor: (coughing) Oh, sorry, didn’t you catch what I said? I said, “I am sorry to state that you have confirmed my fears”. This is the latest musket used by the forces of King Phillip IV!

(Treville gasps)

Treville: King Phillip IV?

Doctor: Of Spain!

(Treville paces the floor in front of his desk)

Treville: This is a very worrying development. If King Phillip is arming the Cardinal’s guards then this can only mean one thing. Spain is trying to subvert French society. (He stops pacing) Gentlemen, I am afraid I am going to have to have to cancel your leave from now on.

(The Musketeers greet this news by protesting)

Treville: (holding up his hand) I will ask the King for his advice on this issue. In the meantime, I would suggest that you find all the Musketeers and bring them back to Headquarters.

D’Artagnan: Does that include me, sir?

Treville: Indeed it does D’Artagnan, which is why I want you to tell the cadets the news!

(D’Artagnan swells with pride and marches out of Treville’s quarters)

Treville: You have your orders, Gentlemen!

Doctor: Er, excuse me for a moment, Monsieur. I was wondering if I could borrow Porthos, a horse and a cart?

Treville: A horse and cart, I can understand Doctor, but why Porthos?

Doctor: (winking at Porthos) I’m hoping that he can lift a monolith for me.

(Porthos rubs his hands together in glee as the Musketeers and the Doctor leave Treville’s quarters)

Scene 6

Scene 6: Outside Musketeer Headquarters

Porthos lets go of the TARDIS and stands back, patting his brow with a handkerchief. He walks around it and whistles.

Porthos: Monsieur Docteur, I…

(The Doctor coughs harshly)

Porthos: Doctor, I cannot credit it. When you showed me inside this monolith of yours, I expected it to weigh the same as Mont Blanc, and whilst it’s doesn’t weigh that much, it’s still enough to bring me, Porthos, the strongest man in France, into a sweat. Are you a great magician?

Doctor: Me? A magician? Now, don’t talk twaddle, Porthos. No, I’m just very good at making unusual things happen, that’s all!

(The other Musketeers ride in)

Doctor: Ah, Athos and Aramis, how was the news received?

Aramis: Very badly, Monsieur and with great concern. Are you sure that Spain is trying to influence France in some way?

Doctor: I’m not sure at the moment, but best to keep our guard up, eh?

(There is a fanfare and Treville’s carriage enters the courtyard. As Treville exits, the Musketeers and the Doctor bow. D’Artagnan also exits as well)

D’Artagnan: (modestly) Oh, now really. There’s no need to bow for me!

Treville: Gentlemen, Doctor, I have informed the King of the situation and he agrees that all leave should be cancelled. (The Musketeers frown) But, he has said that he will allow you one dispensation. He has granted you this evening off duty.

(The Musketeers cheer)

D’Artagnan: (pulling at Treville’s shirt) What about me, sir?

Treville: You too, D’Artagnan!

Porthos: May the Doctor come as well, sir?

Treville: Doctor?

Doctor: I don’t see why not, I shan’t be here for another 354 years.

Porthos: I know just the place to go. The Pomme du Pup!

(Athos starts licking his lips)

Athos: I can’t remember the last time I was there.

Aramis: No, but I’m sure that the staff can!

(The Musketeers laugh)

Aramis: Come on then, last one there pays the bill!

(Athos and Aramis mount up on their horses and D’Artagnan, Porthos and the Doctor climb into Treville’s coach and exit the courtyard)

Treville: (with a smile on his face) Gentlemen. Perfect Gentlemen!

(A servant approaches Treville)

Servant: Monsieur, the patient has now woken up and is asking for the Doctor!

Treville: Well, why are you asking me then?

Servant: He insists on seeing the Doctor, not a doctor.

Treville: (twigging) Ah, I see! (And he follows the servant to the infirmary)

Scene 7

Scene 7: The Infirmary

Paul is sitting up in bed as Treville enters. There is a bandage across his chest.

Treville: (going to sit at the end of Paul’s bed) And how are we feeling, Monsieur?

Paul: Not that bad, actually, for someone who has been shot. (He looks around) Er, isn’t the Doctor with you?

Treville: The Musketeers have taken him sightseeing!

Paul: Sightseeing? The Doctor? That is just typical of him! He gets all worked up about something and completely forgets that there is someone who needs his help. (He sighs and then winces)

Treville: The doctors have told me that you should recover in a few days, which brings me to the reason why I came to see you. I understand that you have an interest in the Musketeers.

Paul: I should say! (He leans over to Treville and whispers) Did you know that Porthos collapses a cave on him to prevent the Cardinal’s Guards from taking control of a regional centre?

(Treville looks at Paul in amazement)

Treville: When did he do that?

Paul: (thinks) I can’t rightly remember, myself, just don’t tell the Doctor I told you!

Treville: (perplexed) Yes, well I had a word with His Majesty this afternoon and told him about your little accident and that it saved the life of Athos, and he has agreed to my little idea.

Paul: (puzzled) Idea?

Treville: (stands at the end of the bed and pulls a scroll from his pockets which he reads) I, Captain Treville, Captain of His Majesty’s Musketeers (that’s me by the way) am hereby commanded by His Majesty King Louis XIII (that’s the King) to make Monsieur Paul Rocks (that’s you) an honorary Musketeer in recognition of the act of saving the life of Musketeer Athos.

(Paul looks at Treville in silence)

Paul: (unable to comprehend) Me? A Musketeer? You mean like Athos, Aramis and Porthos?

(Treville nods)

Paul: Oh, man! I don’t believe it! (He swells with pride and then winces and coughs)

Treville: (patting him gently on the back) Let’s get you well first, all right?

Paul: It’s a deal!

Scene 8

Scene 8: Cardinal Richelieu’s quarters

Widimir is pacing outside Richelieu’s quarters wondering why the Cardinal has called for him. Rochefort wanders up and knocks on the door much to Widimir’s annoyance.

Widimir: (tapping his foot) Excuse me, Monsieur, but there is a queue you know!

(Rochefort looks Widimir up and down with disdain)

Rochefort: Ah, so you’re the famous Captain Widimir, are you?

Widimir: (surprised) You know of me, Monsieur?

Rochefort: But of course, your deeds are known throughout France

Richelieu: (from inside his quarters) Enter!

Rochefort: (opening the door and entering) for their stupidity!

(Rochefort closes the door on Widimir fuming)

Rochefort: (bowing) I am your obedient servant, Eminence

Richelieu: And that is the reason why I have called for you, my dear Count. I presume that you have met Captain Widimir?

Rochefort: I have indeed, Eminence

Richelieu: What I want you to do is accept a challenge.

Rochefort: A challenge?

Richelieu: Yes, allow me to explain. Could you let Widimir in?

(Rochefort opens the door and Widimir falls in as he has been listening at the door)

Widimir: (getting up and trying to make the best of a bad situation) Eminence, I…

Richelieu: (ignoring him) Captain Widimir, I would like you to meet Count Rochefort (pause) your replacement! (Turning to Rochefort) Can I count on you to capture the person known as the Doctor?

(Rochefort bows and exits whilst Widimir flips his lid)

Widimir: (almost on the verge of shouting) Replacement? But, Eminence, I…

Richelieu: There’s the door, Widimir, I expect to see you behind it and never to see you again!

Widimir: (resigned) Yes, Eminence! (And he trudges sadly through the door and then pops his head round the door) But what will become of my guards?

(Richelieu stares at Widimir intently who darts behind the door)

Scene 9 (Pre Cliffhanger)

Scene 9: The Pomme du Pup

The headwaiter of the Pomme du Pup is outside the restaurant taking in the evening air when he notices a cloud of dust on the horizon. He squints his eyes and then starts to panic

Waiter: (panicking) Oh, Mon Dieu! Not him again! (And rushes inside slamming the door behind him)

(“MONSIEUR ATHOS” comes from inside the restaurant as Aramis whoas his horse, closely followed by Athos)

Aramis: (smiling) Looks like you’ll have to pay, Athos. You’re the last one here!

Athos: (pointing behind him) I beg to differ, Aramis

(The carriage with Porthos, D’Artagnan and the Doctor in arrives and the occupants disembark in the order that they got in so that when the Doctor gets out, the Musketeers all point at him)

Musketeers: (in a sing song way) You’re paying the bill! You’re paying the bill! (And they enter the restaurant)

Doctor: (with his hands in his pockets) Now, 1625, euros are no good, and francs won’t help either. Oh, where are those Louis? (He takes a number of coins out of his pocket and smiles) A hundred! That should cover Athos! (And he strides into the restaurant)

(The Musketeers are already seated but have left the head of the table for the Doctor. As he sits down the waiter arrives)

Waiter: (half smiling and half nervous) May I (gulp) take your orders, please?

Athos: The best dish that you have, Pierre! (And he winks)

Waiter: (laughing nervously) Ah, the speciality of the house then!

D’Artagnan: And that is?

Waiter: Something that you can only eat at the Pomme du Pup, Monsieur!

D’Artagnan: Sounds interesting!

Waiter: (writing down the order) That’s 25 dishes of the day for Monsieur Athos (Athos laughs), and 4 dishes of the day for the rest of you gentlemen. May I recommend also the house pate?

Doctor: Why not? (He dumps the coins on the table)

Waiter: And what would the Cavaliers like to drink?

Porthos: A Chateaux de Ayres!

Doctor: I’m impressed, Porthos! I didn’t have you as a wine connoisseur!

Aramis: I would like a red wine perhaps an Antomilido!

Doctor: Er, Aramis, that’s a Spanish wine you know!

Aramis: When it comes to wine, Doctor, I don’t discriminate!

Athos: Neither do I, just bring it in the biggest container that you’ve got (and he laughs)

D’Artagnan: I’ll have a glass of fresh milk from the Pyrenees, Monsieur

Doctor: I’ll have mine in a cup of tea, if you don’t mind!

(The waiter looks at D’Artagnan and the Doctor)

D’Artagnan: You don’t have milk from the Pyrenees then?

Waiter: I’ll see what I can do, Monsieur!

Doctor: If that’s not possible, I’ll have some squashed oranges then!

(The waiter scratches his head and makes his way to the kitchen)

Waiter: (shouts into kitchen) Hey, Louis, I hope you are well stocked (and he goes into the kitchen and comes back a few moments later with several plates of food which the Doctor and Musketeers tuck into)

(Outside the restaurant, Widimir is marching a group of guardsmen down the road)

Widimir: (grumbling) I’ll show that Rochefort who’s the best Captain around here. I’ll lay siege to Musketeer HQ if need be. I’ll find that Doctor! (He then spots the horses outside the restaurant) That’s Treville’s carriage (he starts to think) and where there is Treville there are Musketeers and where there are Musketeers there’s a Doctor! (He points at the restaurant and the guardsmen quickly surround it. He walks towards the door and pushes them open with his boots. As he sees the Doctor, a smile crosses his face) Listen, Doctor, I have to ask you a few questions

Doctor: Yikes! (And he dives under the table)

Widimir: I know that you are in here! You have to come with me and answer a few questions!

(The Musketeers carry on eating their food and pass comments. The Doctor peers over the edge in disbelief)

Widimir: Doctor, didn’t you hear me?

(The Doctor starts to stand up, but his attention is caught by a grunt from Porthos who winks. The Doctor realises that a plan is forming and sits down and continues to eat his meal. Widimir loses his patience and sends the guardsmen into the restaurant)

Doctor: (to Aramis) I must say this pate is excellent! Where did you say it came from?

(Widimir grunts and draws his sword, much to Porthos’s surprise)

Porthos: (gasps) I don’t believe it, Widimir has unsheathed his sword!

Athos: You must be mistaken Porthos, Widimir only uses a pistol!

Aramis: Perhaps he’s been practising the art of fencing?

(The guardsmen start to advance on the Musketeers)

Widimir: (shouting) Are you hard of hearing, Doctor? I said that you’re coming with us!

(Under their breath, the Musketeers mutter “One for all and all for one”. The Doctor lifts his plate and puts it on his lap and carries on eating. Porthos cracks his knuckles and then suddenly dives underneath the table. The Doctor stands up and puts the plate on the table)

Doctor: Yes, Captain? Did you say something?

Widimir: (fit to burst) I said that you are coming with us, Doctor!

Doctor: (dabbing his lips with a handkerchief) Did you? Oh, I am dreadfully sorry, I didn’t hear you. I fear, however, that Monsieur Porthos has something to say on the subject!

(With a grunt, Porthos lifts the table over his head and growls)

Doctor: Could you be so kind as to tell the Captain what I think of his request, Porthos?

(Porthos throws the table at the guardsmen who scatter. The Musketeers draw their swords and start to battle the guardsmen. The Doctor uses this to cover his escape up the stairs and dives into the toilets. He catches his breath and nibbles on a bit of food. He notices an open window and looks down)

Doctor: (with a smile on his face) Well, if I can use a fire hose to abseil down the side of a building, then why not a column!

(The Doctor climbs out of the window and gently climbs down the column landing on the ground on both feet. The sound of fighting can still be heard from inside the restaurant)

Doctor: Now, how do I help the Musketeers?

(As he speaks and unseen by the Doctor, Rochefort walks up behind him and cocks a gun prodding him in the back)

Rochefort: A more pertinent question would be who helps you, Monsieur? (As he prepares to fire the gun)

Scene 9 (Post Cliffhanger)

(The guardsmen start to advance on the Musketeers)

Widimir: (shouting) Are you hard of hearing, Doctor? I said that you’re coming with us!

(Under their breath, the Musketeers mutter “One for all and all for one”. The Doctor lifts his plate and puts it on his lap and carries on eating. Porthos cracks his knuckles and then suddenly dives underneath the table. The Doctor stands up and puts the plate on the table)

Doctor: Yes, Captain? Did you say something?

Widimir: (fit to burst) I said that you are coming with us, Doctor!

Doctor: (dabbing his lips with a handkerchief) Did you? Oh, I am dreadfully sorry, I didn’t hear you. I fear, however, that Monsieur Porthos has something to say on the subject!

(With a grunt, Porthos lifts the table over his head and growls)

Doctor: Could you be so kind as to tell the Captain what I think of his request, Porthos?

(Porthos throws the table at the guardsmen who scatter. The Musketeers draw their swords and start to battle the guardsmen. The Doctor uses this to cover his escape up the stairs and dives into the toilets. He catches his breath and nibbles on a bit of food. He notices an open window and looks down)

Doctor: (with a smile on his face) Well, if I can use a fire hose to abseil down the side of a building, then why not a column!

(The Doctor climbs out of the window and gently climbs down the column landing on the ground on both feet. The sound of fighting can still be heard from inside the restaurant)

Doctor: Now, how do I help the Musketeers?

(As he speaks and unseen by the Doctor, Rochefort walks up behind him and cocks a gun prodding him in the back)

Rochefort: A more pertinent question would be who helps you, Monsieur? (As he prepares to fire the gun)

Doctor: (putting his hands up in the air) No-one?

Rochefort: (lowering the gun) A very sensible answer, now move! (And he prods the Doctor in the back with the gun)

Doctor: (sighing as he’s marched to the front of the restaurant) Why is it that every time I come to Paris, someone sticks a gun in my back?

Rochefort: Halt!

(The Doctor stops in front of the restaurant inside of which fighting can still be heard)

Rochefort: Then allow me to make a change for you. (He moves in front of the Doctor and aims the gun at his head). You know, I really ought to thank that idiot Widimir. I thought he might try something stupid and I was spot on. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to kill you!

Doctor: (hearing that the sounds in the restaurant are getting louder) May I be permitted to address you with my last words?

Rochefort: (yawning) If you must!

Doctor: (shifts his position) It is a far, far, better thing that I do than I have ever done. It is a far, far better rest that I go to that I have ever known! It is a far, far better…

(Just then the door to the restaurant explodes outwards as Porthos throws Widimir through it)

Doctor: (ducks) DUCK!

(Rochefort realises too late what is happening and Widimir collides with him sending the two men sprawling on the ground. The gun fires and ricochets off a nearby sign)

Rochefort: (heaving Widimir off him) Curse you, Widimir! Just wait till the Cardinal hears about this! (He runs towards a nearby horse, mounts it and gees the horse with Widimir in hot pursuit)

(The Musketeers watch the events from the restaurant, look at each other and then laugh their heads off. The Doctor stands up and brushes himself down)

Doctor: (to himself) This is very odd. Why would Rochefort want to kill me? And what is even more interesting is why would the Cardinal be so interested in me and not the Musketeers? There’s something odd going on here and it’s not just political!

(The Doctor addresses the Musketeers)

Doctor: Gentlemen, I suggest that we return to Musketeer Headquarters!

Athos: (shocked) What? When there are still 17 courses left to have?

Doctor: (licking his lips) Oh, well if you put it that way!

(The owner stands in their way)

Owner: (coughs harshly) And what about my door, Monsieur?

Doctor: Nothing Monsieur Porthos and an old friend of mine can’t fix! (And he takes out the sonic screwdriver)

Scene 10

Scene 10: Cardinal Richelieu’s Quarters

Widimir is in the Cardinal’s quarters but is standing there quietly with the Cardinal looking at him intently)

Richelieu: You are the lowest of the low, Widimir! You are a complete and utter imbecile! What are you?

Widimir: (in a monotone) I am the lowest of the low and a complete and utter imbecile!

(Richelieu leans back and Widimir shakes his head)

Widimir: (on the verge of breaking down) I do not deserve such treatment, Eminence! I am your slave!

Richelieu: (under his breath) Slave? You? (And then starts to laugh) Get out of my sight, Widimir, lock yourself in your house and I never want to see you again!

(Widimir admits defeats, bows and leave the chambers)

Richelieu: (shouting as Rochefort opens the doors) I’m surrounded by imbeciles!

(The words echo through the room as Rochefort coughs politely)

Richelieu: (quickly changing tack) I don’t mean you, of course!

Rochefort: (approaching the Cardinal) I feel that you should Eminence. My plan to capture the Doctor failed.

Richelieu: Yes, I have heard the sorry tale now. But I shouldn’t worry, my dear Count, I’ve another plan up my sleeve.

Rochefort: Oh?

Richelieu: I want you to go to Musketeer Headquarters and find out (and starts whispering)

(Outside the door, Widimir is listening intently. He opens his eyes in amazement at what is being discussed and slowly backs away from the door, walks slowly down the corridor before breaking into a sprint, which develops into a run as he dashes out of the Cardinal’s building. He mounts a horse and rides off)

Scene 11

Scene 11: TARDIS console room

The Doctor enters the console room from the interior of the TARDIS. He presses a few buttons and a screen appears on the console. It flashes up “TARDIS HISTORY DATABASE” and then changes to “Please enter year”.

Doctor: We’re in 1625 so that’s a good place to start. (He enters 1625 on the keypad)

(The screen flashes “Searching”)

Doctor: Goodness, you’re slow today aren’t you? Perhaps I need to give you a tweak, eh old girl?

(There is a knocking sound)

Doctor: I was right, just listen to those engines (then he realises that the console is stationary) Hang on, that’s not the engines. (He flips a switch and the viewing screen switches on as the knocking happens again)

(The viewing screen reveals Treville knocking on the TARDIS)

Doctor: (singing as he operates the doors) Knock three times on the TARDIS if you want me… (And exits)

(Outside, Treville is knocking on the TARDIS and wondering what people will think when the doors open and the Doctor pops out still singing)

Doctor: …twice on the hat (taps Treville’s hat twice) means that you’re no longer there!

Treville: Yes, I am Doctor!

Doctor: I do apologise Captain, a song I heard once and I’ve been unable to get it out of my head. How can I help you?

Treville: There’s someone here to see you, Doctor!

Doctor: (intrigued) Oh? And who’s that, then?

(Treville side steps and reveals Paul, who waves)

Doctor: Paul! How are you?

Paul: (annoyed) Now what sort of a question is that, Doctor?

Doctor: Sorry, force of habit! (Turning to Treville) So what’s the prognosis then, Captain?

Treville: Very good, Doctor. Our doctors would love to know what you did to your companion, but what ever it was it’s saved his life. He’s well on the road to recovery!

Doctor: (blushing) Oh, really, it was nothing!

Paul: Tell him, Captain, go on!

Treville: He’s also going to be an honorary Musketeer as well!

Doctor: (impressed) An honorary Musketeer, eh? Who’s been a busy little assistant then?

(Paul giggles)

Doctor: I presume that the King had something to do with this?

Treville: Indeed he did. He said it was to be a reward for saving Athos.

Doctor: Would you mind if I thanked His Majesty later?

Treville: I can’t see any reason why not. (A church bell chimes the hour) Now, if you will excuse us, young Paul here has a lesson in swordplay to attend.

Doctor: Of course! (Remembers) Oh, before you go Captain, can I ask when Richelieu was appointed Prime Minister?

Treville: Last September if I remember, correctly. (Ponders) But why on earth do you want to know that?

Doctor: Just checking (and he pops back into the TARDIS)

Treville: Paul, how long have you known the Doctor?

Paul: (thinks) Oh, seventeen hundred years or so.

(Treville looks at Paul in sheer disbelief, shakes his head)

Paul: Come on, Paul, otherwise we’ll be late. (And he leads Paul towards Musketeer Headquarters shaking his head)

(Back inside the TARDIS, the Doctor closes the doors)

Doctor: Right then, let’s see if you’re feeling any better. (He types in as he speaks) September 1st 1624 and cross-reference with election.

(The screen flashes “Searching…” very slowly indeed)

Doctor: Oh, come on, old girl! (And he kicks the console)

(The central column lights up and the flashing speeds up)

Doctor: That’s better!

(The display stops and the viewing screen is activated showing the Cardinal. The Doctor looks at it and gasps. He types in as he speaks)

Doctor: Oh, by Rassilon. I’m hope I’m wrong!

(The picture splits into two and is replaced on the right by a picture of the Master).

Doctor: The Master!

Scene 12

Scene 12: Treville’s quarters

Treville is busy working through a pile of paperwork

Treville: Who would think that 700 people would generate so much paper?

(There is a knock at the door)

Treville: Entrez!

(There is another knock at the door)

Treville: (starting to get annoyed) Entrez!

(There is yet another knock at the door)

Treville: (getting up and shouting) If that’s you D’Artagnan, I’ll dock you a week’s wages!

(Treville opens the door and is greeted by a pile of paperwork which moves forward and gets dumped on his desk revealing the Doctor who mops his brow)

Doctor: Phew! I don’t know how on Gallifrey one simple request can generate a ton of paper!

Treville: (looking at concern with the paperwork that has landed on his desk) I presume that this paperwork is of some importance?

Doctor: It is indeed! (He starts unrolling a map) especially as I believe that the Cardinal isn’t the Cardinal at all!

Treville: (shocked) The Cardinal…

Doctor: isn’t the Cardinal, that’s right! Do you remember what happened when the Cardinal was appointed Prime Minister?

Treville: Well, there was nothing special about the day, just the usual storm that you get in September.

Doctor: Storm?

Treville: Yes, we often get them in September. I remember that it thundered for ages and ages and there was a point where we wondered if we should cancel it due to the weather. The only strange thing is, it never rained, just thundered!

Doctor: (pondering) Mmm, it’s just as I feared. I… (And he looks up)

Treville: (still looking at the mass of paperwork) Yes, Doctor, you were saying?

Doctor: Er, Captain, what’s he doing here? (And points in front of him)

Treville: Who? (He follows the Doctor’s finger and looks up) Captain Widimir!

Widimir: (aiming a gun at Treville) You must die! (And he fires the gun)

Doctor: (pushing Treville to the ground) Get down!

(The Doctor pushes Treville to the ground as the bullet passes his shoulder. It shatters the window behind them. The Doctor and Treville turn round just in time to see Rochefort clutching his chest and then falling to the ground from a ladder. The Doctor and Treville open the window and peer down to the ground where several Musketeers have gathered)

Doctor: (turning to Treville) He must have been spying on us!

Widimir: Indeed he was!

(The Doctor and Treville turn to face Widimir who places the gun on the desk and then calmly sits down on the floor and prostrates himself in front of the desk)

Widimir: (crying) I want to work for you, I’ll work for anyone, and I’ll work for peanuts! (And starts bawling)

(The Doctor looks at Treville, who looks at Widimir who then looks back at the Doctor)

Treville: (and the Doctor together) Triste!

Scene 13

Scene 13: Treville’s quarters

(The Doctor is circling Widimir who is being guarded by Treville)

Doctor: So, let’s see if I understand this correctly Widimir. You are trying to convince us that the Cardinal has sacked you.

Widimir: Oui, Monsieur

Doctor: and had replaced you with the Count Rochefort, who you shot a few moments ago

Widimir: Oui, Monsieur

Doctor: and has since last September been acting almost like another person?

Widimir: Oui, Monsieur

Doctor: (stops pacing) Mmm. (turns to Treville) He’s either a very good liar or he’s telling the truth.

Treville: How do we know which it is?

Doctor: (smiling) I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to do this old trick for ages! I wonder if I can remember how?

(The Doctor takes a pair of glasses out and puts them on. He sits down cross legged on the floor and looks directly at Widimir)

Doctor: (insistently) You are Captain Widimir of the Cardinal’s Guards. I am the Doctor. You will answer me instantly and truthfully. Has everything you said since you entered this office been the truth?

Widimir: (blankly) Yes, Doctor

Doctor: Good, I was hoping you’d say that.

(He jumps up and puts the glasses back in his pocket)

Doctor: Well, you heard him, Treville. He was telling the truth.

(As Widimir comes round, Treville sits down behind his desk)

Treville: But this makes no sense at all, Doctor. Why would the Cardinal suddenly change tack?

Widimir: (suddenly) I remember!

(The Doctor and Treville are startled)

Doctor: Remember what?

Widimir: The day after the Cardinal was ordained as Prime Minister, he asked me to attend his office. When I got there I saw a man dressed in black with a flowing cloak. He looked at me sternly for several minutes and then gave me my orders for the day.

Doctor: And did you see that man ever again?

Widimir: No, every time I went into the Cardinal’s office, I saw Cardinal Richelieu.

Doctor: (shouts) Bingo! (Shakes Widimir by the hand) Captain, you have just solved a mystery that has been bugging me for the last decade relative time.

Widimir: (confused) I have?

Doctor: (ignoring Widimir) Treville, do you have a detachment of Musketeers on immediate standby?

Treville: Well, there’s Athos, Aramis and Porthos and I suppose I could find a few more.

Doctor: Marvellous (turns to Widimir) How do you fancy getting your old job back?

(Widimir nods)

Doctor: All we need now is someone who he’s never seen before. (Smiles) Someone like Paul!

Scene 14

Scene 14: Training Barracks

(Athos and Aramis are standing outside a huge set of doors and idly chatting to each other)

Athos: (gesturing) And so I said to him, “To quote the Romans, your pilum may be harder than my sternum, but this sword can easily rip you to shreds!”

Aramis: (laughing) I presume he got the “point” then?

Athos: Indeed he did, Aramis. Never saw him again. Ah, Monsieur Rocks, how are you this fine morn?

(Paul enters the shot wearing a Musketeer’s outfit)

Paul: I feel marvellous and take a look at these togs. (He spins round showing off his outfit)

Athos: A Musketeer in the making, Aramis, no?

Aramis: A Musketeer indeed. All you have to do now is to beat that person in there (points to doors) and you will be a qualified Musketeer.

(Paul makes for the doors but is stopped by)

Aramis: Although what he suggested about your mother was most uncalled for.

(Paul stops)

Paul: What did he say about my mother?

Aramis: I can’t rightly remember but I think he suggested that you were born out of wedlock. Can you remember what he said Athos?

Athos: What are you on about Aramis, there’s (Aramis elbows him and winks) Oh yes, I remember. Yes, after Aramis and myself told him about you he remarked and I quote “The bastard doesn’t stand a chance!” before hitting us both in the stomach and walking in there as if he owned the place.

Paul: (gulps) Big is he?

Aramis: Bigger than Porthos!

Paul: (starts to back away) You know, I don’t think I’m really cut out for this Musketeer lark (and turns to leave)

Athos: Does the term “chicken hearted” mean anything to you?

(Paul turns round clearly angry)

Paul: (on the verge of shouting) He called me “chicken hearted”?

(Aramis and Athos nod)

(Paul grabs the door handles and opens the doors)

Paul: (shouts) NO ONE CALLS ME A CHICKEN! GOT THAT? (As the doors close)

Athos: (rubbing where Aramis elbowed him) What was that for?

Aramis: I just felt that he needed a little encouragement and nothing works better than a good sense of personal revenge. And speaking of revenge…

(Porthos saunters up and bows)

Porthos: Good morrow gentlemen, is the candidate ready to get beaten?

Aramis: Well, he’s in there if that’s what you mean but I don’t think he’s going to be an easy one.

Porthos: Oh? What makes you say that?

Aramis: Well, he seemed to indicate that he thought you were all brawn and no brains, not to mention that he thought that you were very fat and had no real strength at all.

Porthos: (annoyed) He said what?

Athos: He never (Aramis elbows him again) Ow!

Porthos: Are you all right, Athos?

Aramis: Just a slight twinge from that feast at the Pomme du Pup.

Porthos: (opening the doors) I have told you before Athos, eating gets you nowhere but an early grave (shouts) THIS IS ALL MUSCLE STRANGER (and the doors close)

Athos: (looking at Aramis angrily) I thought that you wanted to be a priest. Priests don’t tell lies. That’s two lies you’ve told in less than ten minutes.

Aramis: (kneeling) I know (prays) Dear Lord and Father of Mankind forgive my foolish ways. Reclothe me in your rightful mind, in purer lives thy service finds, in deeper reverence praise, for thou art the Kingdom, the Power and the Glory. Amen!

(As Aramis is praying, the Doctor wanders up)

Doctor: Is this a private prayer session or can anyone join in if they want??

Athos: Aramis is just seeking penance for having lied. Twice.

Doctor: Ah, oh by the way, have either of you seen Paul at all, you know the person I arrived with a few days ago, prevented Athos here from being shot. I was told that he’d be in the barracks but then someone said he was seen heading this way.

(Sounds of sword fighting can be heard from behind the doors)

Doctor: Goodness, they’re going at it hammer and tongs aren’t they? What’s happening there then?

Athos: Porthos is testing a candidate to see if he’s suitable enough to be a Musketeer.

Doctor: Oh? The final stage of assessment eh?

Aramis: The final stage ever. Many candidates have withdrawn after losing to Porthos.

Doctor: I can well imagine, so who’s the unlucky fellow this time?

Aramis and Athos: Paul!

Doctor: Oh, I know a (pause) PAUL? (Angry) You let Paul tackle Porthos? But he’s only got a limited knowledge of swordplay. I know Paul is pretty strong for his age but Porthos is the strongest man in this time period. I’m do apologise, gentlemen, but I have to put a stop to this.

(The Doctor advances to the door but Aramis and Athos pull their swords on the Doctor)

Athos: No one may enter during an examination. Those are the rules

(The Doctor starts pacing up and down)

Doctor: Why do my assistants do this to me? First I leave my granddaughter on 21st century Earth, then I kill Sara on Kemble by activating the Time Destructor that the Daleks made, then Adric gets killed trying to defuse a Cyber bomb, Rose has to remain in that parallel dimension because of what her father did. I sometimes wonder if it’s worth having them. I’m beginning to see why the Master travels alone.

Aramis: Master?

Doctor: My mortal enemy Aramis. And that is why I wanted to find Paul. I was hoping that he’d help me defeat the Master once and for all. It seems though that I will need to place an advert for a new assistant. The TARDIS can get mighty lonely. Now what would I need to put. Wanted, companion for ancient Time Lord. Might have a basic understanding of the complexities of temporal physics or have a willingness to learn. Must be able to ask questions, be inventive and if the applicant is a lady, scream for at least 15 seconds at a level of 115 decibels or more

(As the Doctor reels off his requirements, the sounds of fighting stop. Athos and Aramis realise this and open the doors. Paul steps out with a massive grin on his face with Porthos limping beside him)

Doctor: Please reply by universal roaming e-mail within three weeks relative time, which should get some replies worth considering. It’s a shame really. I really wanted to show Paul that being strong is okay, but sometimes it doesn’t hurt to have a little brain. After all Hercules wasn’t just a mass of muscle, oh no, he was quite bright considering.

Paul: Hercules? Bright?

(The Doctor spins round)

Doctor: Paul! You’re all right!

(The Doctor runs up starts to hug him, but Paul coughs and the Doctor shakes his hand instead)

Porthos: He is more than all right Doctor. He’s a Musketeer!

Paul: (shocked) You mean it? I’m a Musketeer?

Porthos: Verily!

Doctor: Oh good. Now, anyone fancy giving old Richelieu a helping hand?

(The Musketeers and Paul look at the Doctor in amazement)

Doctor: Don’t worry. I’ll explain on the way

Scene 15

Scene 15: Cardinal Richelieu’s quarters

(The Cardinal is sitting behind his desk with the back of his chair to the door. There is a knock)

Cardinal: Entrez

(Captain Widimir enters with the Doctor bound and gagged)

Widimir: Your Eminence, I bring you a gift! (And closes the door behind him)

Cardinal: Widimir, I thought that I told you to jump in the Seine.

(The chair turns around slowly to reveal the Cardinal. He stops in amazement at the Doctor bound and gagged. He gets up slowly and walks to the Doctor)

Cardinal: Well, well, Widimir. You’ve done something right for a change. (He ungags the Doctor) Anything to say, Doctor?

Doctor: (coughs) Well thank you for a start. That gag was starting to get quite uncomfortable.

Cardinal: Spare me the histrionics Doctor. You are no doubt wondering why I am interested in you.

Doctor: Well, the question had crossed my mind. But I think I have a suspicion.

Cardinal: And that would be?

Doctor: Well, I have this idea that you’re not really the Cardinal at all. Just call it a stab in the dark, but I think you’re really the Master!

(The Cardinal laughs the trademark Master laugh as he glows. There is a burst of light and the Master stands where the Cardinal stood)

Master: Ah, my dear Doctor, you figured it out then?

Doctor: Well, it took a little longer than normal I have to admit. I mean after that Mr. Saxon act on 21st century Earth I figured that you’d want another stab at holding the reins of power..

Master: Indeed I did, Doctor, but you forget I am a Time Lord too.

Doctor: Indeed, but I burnt you. I lit the funeral pyre myself unless (gasps).

Master: Indeed Doctor, I was regenerated again and free to wend my merry way through time and space!

Widimir: (draws his sword) Where is the Cardinal?

Master: Patience, my dear Widimir. The Doctor and I have some unfinished business to attend to.

Doctor: The only unfinished business with you I have, Master, is your rightful imprisonment in Shada.

Master: Hah! And you intend to arrest me on all your own.

Widimir: (advancing) I will help him!

Master: (laughing) Two people to arrest a Time Lord! Is that the best you can manage Doctor? You’d need an army to arrest me!

Doctor: Funny you should say that. Paul, would you come in here please?

(The doors burst open and Paul stands in the middle with his sword drawn)

Paul: Give yourself up, Master!

Master: (acting scared) Oh, a 25th century Musketeer. Like I’m so scared.

Paul: Then allow me to make the setting more accurate for you. (He raises his sword) ONE FOR ALL!

(Musketeers: AND ALL FOR ONE!)

(The entire chamber is flooded with Musketeers who surround the Master with Paul at the lead. The Master hides behind the Cardinal’s desk whilst Widimir unties the Doctor who stands next to Paul, his foot tapping)

Doctor: And before we forget, there is someone else here who would like a few words with you.

(The Doctor and Paul sidestep to reveal the real Cardinal Richlieu)

Cardinal: You shall pay for imprisoning me, impostor! By the Grace of God, When I'm done with you, Hell will seem like a hunting lodge!

Doctor: (stands in front of the Master’s desk) I, being the last of the Time Lords (The Master scoffs), Keeper of the Legacy of Rassilon, Defender of the Laws of Time and Protector of the Legacy of Gallifrey do hereby arrest you on charges of interfering with Earth history and impersonating a historical figure. Do you have anything to say in your defence?

Master: Curse you Doctor. (He ducks behind the desk, which dematerialises)

Paul: He’s got a TARDIS!

Doctor: (meaningful) Yes, I suppose it should be expected, but I’m more concerned about where he got one.

Scene 16

Scene 16: One for all and all for one

(The throne room of the King and Queen of France is lavishly decorated as if for a ball. The King and Queen enter hand in hand and make their way down a red carpet pausing for a moment as they pass the TARDIS. The arrive at their thrones and the King allows the Queen to sit down first, he then sits down and nods at a doorman)

Guard: (shouting) The Captain of His Majesty’s Musketeers!

(The doors open and Treville enters the throne room bowing to their Majesties at the doors, by the TARDIS and at the foot of their thrones)

Treville: Your most Gracious Majesties, may I present to you your Musketeers?

King: You may Treville!

Treville: (bowing and turning around) Your Musketeers, Your Majesty

(The doors open and as each Musketeer enters and bows, the guard calls their names)

Guard: Monsieur Aramis, Monsieur Athos, Monsieur D’Artagnan, Monsieur Porthos, Monsieur Rocks and Le Docteur! (As the Doctor passes he tries to whisper in the guard’s ear but Paul pulls him away)

Doctor: What? I was only to correct his pronunciation of my title that’s all!

(Paul growls as he and the Doctor follow the Musketeers and line up by them)

Treville: Musketeers, Respect Their Majesties!

(The Musketeers, Paul and the Doctor bow)

King: (getting up from his throne) Gentlemen (the Musketeers, Paul and Doctor stop bowing) you have proved once again that you are able to defend this nation and our majesties with perfection, as we would expect. Captain Treville, do you believe that these gentlemen deserve these honours that I am to bestow upon them?

Treville: I cannot think of a more suitable group of people, your Majesty!

King: (standing next to Aramis) Musketeers, Kneel before your Majesty

(The Musketeers and Paul all kneel as a servant who follows him hands the King a sword)

King: Arise Lord Aramis of Baretous, Arise Lord Athos of Berry, Arise Lord D’Artagnan of Tarbes, Arise Lord Porthos of Pau, Arise Lord Rocks of (to servant) where is he going to be lord of?

Doctor (coughs politely) Might I recommend to your Majesty the title “of TARDIS”?


(The Doctor smiles and points to the TARDIS)

Doctor: His lordship’s manor!

King: Arise Lord Rocks of TARDIS and for you Doctor…

Doctor: (bowing) Your Majesty is too kind but I am not the sort of person who likes titles.

King: I am making you a present of these parchments from the Royal Library (another servant places a series of scrolls into the Doctor’s arm. He unrolls one and has a look)

Doctor: Well, well, well. Old Mylo did carry that bull then? “Weak as a baby” my foot!

King: And now let the festivities begin!

Treville: Doctor? Your score?

Doctor: (realising) Oh my goodness. Thanks for reminding me. (He runs to the TARDIS and brings out a long cable that he attaches to a nearby harpsichord. He goes back to the TARDIS checking the cable on the way, pops in and then out again) Your Majesties (bowing) It is which great pleasure that I am able to present a premiere of a new work that I have composed for this occasion to celebrate the introduction of a new member to His Majesty’s Musketeers. (He sits down at the harpsichord and counts) And a 1 and a 2, and a 1, 2, 3! (He then plays a piece of music which the Musketeers sing along to, every time he gets to the chorus, he pushes a big red button on the harpsichord and the TARDIS’s light starts to flash, when the chorus ends he presses it again and the light stops flashing. He finishes the tune with a flourish and bows)

King: (applauding) Encore, Docteur, Encore!

(The Doctor smiles and gives the King an MP3 player)

Doctor: With my compliments, your Majesty (as the King looks as it quizzically) you’ll find the instructions on this sheet of paper (and hands the King a sheet of paper). Come along Paul, it’s time we were going (and starts to wind up the cable)

Paul: (hugging the Musketeers) I’ll miss you all especially you Porthos.

Porthos: As will we Monsieur.

Paul: (heading to the TARDIS) Captain Treville, may I?

Treville: Your Majesty, May it be permitted for our latest recruit to salute his friends?

(The King nods, as does Treville, as Paul stands on the threshold of the TARDIS, the Doctor just behind him)

Paul: (raising his sword) ONE FOR ALL…

Musketeers: (also raising their swords) AND ALL FOR ONE!

(Paul smiles and enters the TARDIS, the Doctor bows and closes the door and soon afterwards the TARDIS dematerialises much to the amazement of the court but clearly impresses the King who gestures for Treville)

King: Do you know where I can get one of those huts, Treville? I’ve been looking for a way to impress King Charles of England!

(Treville looks at the King in puzzlement)

Scene 17

Scene 17: Where to next?

(Paul enters the console room back in the clothes that he was wearing at the beginning)

Paul: Imagine it, Doctor, me a Musketeer! (And poses heroically)

Doctor: (laughing) Yes, I’ll have to remind Alexandre to leave you out though. An MP3 player in the 17th century I think we can allow but a 25th century Musketeer might be a bit more difficult to explain. So I take it that you enjoyed your little stint as a member of His Majesty’s guard?

Paul: You bet I did, and I think I now know what you meant

Doctor: (puzzled) Sorry?

Paul: About Porthos and that cave. He didn’t see it as committing suicide; he saw it as the only way of defending France from its enemies.

Doctor: (patting Paul on the back) Well done, Paul! I knew that you’d figure it out. So what do you fancy next? How about arm wrestling Hercules in Ancient Greece? Or what about winning the gold for the British tug of war team at the 1904 Olympics? Or might I even suggest…

(The Doctor’s suggestion is interrupted by a bleeping sound. He looks at the console in horror and opens the scanner to reveal a black hole)

Doctor: (grabbing hold of the console) grabbing hold of something for dear life and hope that we make it through to the other side in one piece

(As the TARDIS falls into the black hole we follow it down and the credits roll. When they finish there is an explosion, which reveals the words “To be continued?”)